I swear this economy and the chaos it has created is taking over and destroying my life.
I have to live with my parents AGAIN and I hate that.
And I am in love with this incredible amazing man who is so confused and in such a funk that he can't see that I'm standing here loving him unconditionally.
I don't care that he doesn't have a job or has no idea what he wants to be when he grows up.
All I know is that I love him and I want to share my life with him. Every single moment, every single day for the rest of my life.
But he's closed himself off from the world and won't let anyone in to help.
I mean here is someone who loves him sooooo much and he won't let me in.
Every time I ask if I'm wasting my life waiting for him he won't answer.
Is that because he's afraid that I will go?
WHAT!?!?!
I cry all the time and I think about him and my heart aches to want to help him and to love him.
Well, I feel a flood of tears working their way to my eyes and I need some peace tonight. I need to not cry and focus on something else.
As difficult as it is, I need to piece my life back together. Maybe just maybe IF I can piece some stuff in my life back together, he might let me in.
Never thought I'd be one to talk to a "higher power" for some help but I find myself doing that a lot these days.
Too often....life just really sucks.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Another Saturday Night Alone
Another Saturday has come and gone and I'm sitting in my room.
Alone....
Sad.....
Confused.....
Thought I was going to have plans but if there was something going on I must not have been invited.
Not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last time.
I'm the girl who people SAY they want to do stuff with but not the one who actually GETS to do that stuff.
Maybe it's cause I flaked out so many times. But trust me, it wasn't my fault.
Anyhow, I feel the tears burning down my face and I guess it's time to cry again.
Alone....
Sad.....
Confused.....
Thought I was going to have plans but if there was something going on I must not have been invited.
Not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last time.
I'm the girl who people SAY they want to do stuff with but not the one who actually GETS to do that stuff.
Maybe it's cause I flaked out so many times. But trust me, it wasn't my fault.
Anyhow, I feel the tears burning down my face and I guess it's time to cry again.
It's 2010
Just realized the last time I blogged here it was 2009. So much has changed since then.
Internship over.
Moved a few more times.
Got a house to live in.
Cut some more people from my life who weren't really very valuable to my life in the first place.
And now....
I'm stressed.
Confused out my mind.
Sad.
Still living out of boxes.
And well, I'm just all around not to happy these days.
Internship over.
Moved a few more times.
Got a house to live in.
Cut some more people from my life who weren't really very valuable to my life in the first place.
And now....
I'm stressed.
Confused out my mind.
Sad.
Still living out of boxes.
And well, I'm just all around not to happy these days.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Ranting and Venting To Get Out the Door
I had some extra time this morning and figured maybe I needed to do a little ranting and venting on my blog in the hopes that I won't decide to take the freeway towards Disneyland instead of my externship site.
While I was not thrilled about the distance from my home to the site from the start, I went into it with an open mind. I'd make it work.
Sure I knew that sooner or later my attitude regarding my commute would affect how I felt about the site.
However, what I didn't count on was the RUDENESS of the people.
Now, I can tolerate rude to a point, I mean I'm a Disneyland Annual Passholder. A theme park on a crowded hot day brings out the rude in everyone.
But the people I work with are RUDE!!!! (Yes with all caps)
See, I don't speak the language from the area where they are from. And as a result, they speak in THEIR language 99.7% of the time. I hear English only when they wish to communicate with me.
I want to create my own language so I can do this same rude act back at those who do this. I want them to feel what it's like.
HELLO! This is the United States and here English is the first language. I know you can speak it, so do it. Also if I went to THEIR country bet me I would be treated like dog shit's 2nd retarded cousin if I didn't speak THEIR language.
Hmmm....the ranting and venting didn't help. Now I'm pissed and would love to go to Disneyland for the day.
I HATE my externship site. And I know the freaking red tape politics at my school (the director of my program) won't help me get out of it. Seriously? This school took my money and now I am sooooooooooooo pissed at this whole thing, I am not sure I want to give this school my money to continue my education.
Profanity Warning.....
FUCK! I HATE THIS!
While I was not thrilled about the distance from my home to the site from the start, I went into it with an open mind. I'd make it work.
Sure I knew that sooner or later my attitude regarding my commute would affect how I felt about the site.
However, what I didn't count on was the RUDENESS of the people.
Now, I can tolerate rude to a point, I mean I'm a Disneyland Annual Passholder. A theme park on a crowded hot day brings out the rude in everyone.
But the people I work with are RUDE!!!! (Yes with all caps)
See, I don't speak the language from the area where they are from. And as a result, they speak in THEIR language 99.7% of the time. I hear English only when they wish to communicate with me.
I want to create my own language so I can do this same rude act back at those who do this. I want them to feel what it's like.
HELLO! This is the United States and here English is the first language. I know you can speak it, so do it. Also if I went to THEIR country bet me I would be treated like dog shit's 2nd retarded cousin if I didn't speak THEIR language.
Hmmm....the ranting and venting didn't help. Now I'm pissed and would love to go to Disneyland for the day.
I HATE my externship site. And I know the freaking red tape politics at my school (the director of my program) won't help me get out of it. Seriously? This school took my money and now I am sooooooooooooo pissed at this whole thing, I am not sure I want to give this school my money to continue my education.
Profanity Warning.....
FUCK! I HATE THIS!
Friday, April 17, 2009
April 2009
Honestly, I had no idea it had been so long since I blogged. I've blogged on myspace a bit but that mostly my venting. Not that I haven't vented and ranted here.
Hopefully, those who decide to leave me comments about "mental health" have decided to move on. Actually I think that's one of the reasons why I stopped blogging.
Since my last post, Privacy is still a luxury. One that I honestly think I may NEVER have again. And I ask myself almost daily if I should give up the idea of that "ideal life" because I am never going to obtain it. I just get the feeling as soon as I attempt to gain some of my independence back the amount of guilt and whining will be unbearable.
I want love and want to marry the man I love....but I have to bring my parents along because they got to suck my independence away?
Right before I started working on this blog, I said that I was thinking of going to the grocery store because I had the munchies for something and I got a freaking guilt trip over it. I got the sigh and whine, like "HOW DARE" I think about going to the grocery store without my mother. Seriously? It's the stupid grocery store, I cannot go and buy chocolate chip cookies or Twinkies by myself?
And before anyone passes judgement on me, chances are if you're reading this, you do not have a clingy parent in the next room who sees EVERYTHING you do each day and every moment.
OK....
So to update things, I have finished the classroom portion of school. Today I just got word where I will be doing my externship (aka internship) to gain "real world" time required before taking my exams. If all goes well on my externship, it looks like I will graduate with honors. I'm honestly shocked at myself. I didn't go into this endevour trying to be an honor student, it just happened.
We are still living in West Los Angeles. I love it and really want to continue to live in this area.
As for what remains after the fire, the debris removal started about 6 weeks ago and appears to be almost complete complex wide. The removal is what remained of my home and its contents after the fire. It's easy to think that there would be nothing remaining but there was. And after you throw in at least 3 good rain storms and the mud that came down the hill and into my yard...there was stuff to remove. I honestly wish I could get up and look at the site after the removal but they won't let us in there.
This week marked the 5th month anniversary since the fire. I think the 6th month mark will be kinda tough. I still miss "things" and think of what burned often. I do feel like a part of me died in the fire. Maybe that will change over time. But I lived in that house for over 8 years and I am amazed that in 5 months, I am forgetting what things looked like. Things I saw every single day, I struggle to remember them. Maybe I am not supposed to remember them. Maybe it's my brain doing what it needs to do to keep me from loosing it. I do miss the quiet, the wildlife that would wander through the yards, my roses, the privacy, being able to see the stars, knowing all the side streets so I could avoid traffic if I needed to do something around 5pm, and the safety. Not that I don't feel safe and secure now, it's hard to explain.
Wow, when I started this I thought I didn't have much to write, guess I did. And I have to stop now because I have been battling a cold and I've got a lingering cough that has worn me out. I will write more soon.
I will be adding this blog to my Facebook page. For any reader on Facebook who reads my earlier posts, my emotions take full range during my blogging and I will say I am not the same person when I started.
Hopefully, those who decide to leave me comments about "mental health" have decided to move on. Actually I think that's one of the reasons why I stopped blogging.
Since my last post, Privacy is still a luxury. One that I honestly think I may NEVER have again. And I ask myself almost daily if I should give up the idea of that "ideal life" because I am never going to obtain it. I just get the feeling as soon as I attempt to gain some of my independence back the amount of guilt and whining will be unbearable.
I want love and want to marry the man I love....but I have to bring my parents along because they got to suck my independence away?
Right before I started working on this blog, I said that I was thinking of going to the grocery store because I had the munchies for something and I got a freaking guilt trip over it. I got the sigh and whine, like "HOW DARE" I think about going to the grocery store without my mother. Seriously? It's the stupid grocery store, I cannot go and buy chocolate chip cookies or Twinkies by myself?
And before anyone passes judgement on me, chances are if you're reading this, you do not have a clingy parent in the next room who sees EVERYTHING you do each day and every moment.
OK....
So to update things, I have finished the classroom portion of school. Today I just got word where I will be doing my externship (aka internship) to gain "real world" time required before taking my exams. If all goes well on my externship, it looks like I will graduate with honors. I'm honestly shocked at myself. I didn't go into this endevour trying to be an honor student, it just happened.
We are still living in West Los Angeles. I love it and really want to continue to live in this area.
As for what remains after the fire, the debris removal started about 6 weeks ago and appears to be almost complete complex wide. The removal is what remained of my home and its contents after the fire. It's easy to think that there would be nothing remaining but there was. And after you throw in at least 3 good rain storms and the mud that came down the hill and into my yard...there was stuff to remove. I honestly wish I could get up and look at the site after the removal but they won't let us in there.
This week marked the 5th month anniversary since the fire. I think the 6th month mark will be kinda tough. I still miss "things" and think of what burned often. I do feel like a part of me died in the fire. Maybe that will change over time. But I lived in that house for over 8 years and I am amazed that in 5 months, I am forgetting what things looked like. Things I saw every single day, I struggle to remember them. Maybe I am not supposed to remember them. Maybe it's my brain doing what it needs to do to keep me from loosing it. I do miss the quiet, the wildlife that would wander through the yards, my roses, the privacy, being able to see the stars, knowing all the side streets so I could avoid traffic if I needed to do something around 5pm, and the safety. Not that I don't feel safe and secure now, it's hard to explain.
Wow, when I started this I thought I didn't have much to write, guess I did. And I have to stop now because I have been battling a cold and I've got a lingering cough that has worn me out. I will write more soon.
I will be adding this blog to my Facebook page. For any reader on Facebook who reads my earlier posts, my emotions take full range during my blogging and I will say I am not the same person when I started.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Privacy - A Luxury
I cannot believe what a lack of privacy I get. It was supposed to be better after we moved to a larger space. But it seems to have gotten worse. I HATE this.
And stupid me put my computer screen so my back is to the door to my room but my screen is 100% visible. So now I have to research and find one of those privacy things to see if they can give my computer screen some privacy.
However, because I have researched those things I can tell you, they don't cover the straight behind you thing it only works to the side.
So this means I have to start closing my door and dealing with the pouty look my mother gives because I close the door.
Is there light at the end of this?????
And stupid me put my computer screen so my back is to the door to my room but my screen is 100% visible. So now I have to research and find one of those privacy things to see if they can give my computer screen some privacy.
However, because I have researched those things I can tell you, they don't cover the straight behind you thing it only works to the side.
So this means I have to start closing my door and dealing with the pouty look my mother gives because I close the door.
Is there light at the end of this?????
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Computer Desk - Check
I spent the day assembling my new computer desk. Such a joy.
I was mostly thrilled that I didn't end up with some sort of cut, nick, or bruise from it.
It has an official home in my room and everything.
I do find it odd that this is a sign of life getting back to normal. So very strange.
I also find myself so very sad. I think someone I care for very deeply is slipping out of my life. And it hurts to loose this person. A part of me wants to say, "Don't go, I will do anything just don't go." But I am afraid that the "do anything" means I will give up a part of me. And me being me is what makes me interesting.
I can't believe after two days of studying I still feel like I am so NOT getting it. But let's hope it's floating around in my brain somewhere.
I've got a monster "things to do" list for tomorrow and I hope I can make a dent in it. I will mean an early start to the day but that's fine. It's a holiday so I might be able to get many things done.
I owe everyone an email and please know that just because I don't send you a message, doesn't mean I am not thinking of you. Each one of you cross my mind every single day. Because I am so very grateful and thankful for all of you.
OK, well, time to catch up on some more TiVo shows.
I was mostly thrilled that I didn't end up with some sort of cut, nick, or bruise from it.
It has an official home in my room and everything.
I do find it odd that this is a sign of life getting back to normal. So very strange.
I also find myself so very sad. I think someone I care for very deeply is slipping out of my life. And it hurts to loose this person. A part of me wants to say, "Don't go, I will do anything just don't go." But I am afraid that the "do anything" means I will give up a part of me. And me being me is what makes me interesting.
I can't believe after two days of studying I still feel like I am so NOT getting it. But let's hope it's floating around in my brain somewhere.
I've got a monster "things to do" list for tomorrow and I hope I can make a dent in it. I will mean an early start to the day but that's fine. It's a holiday so I might be able to get many things done.
I owe everyone an email and please know that just because I don't send you a message, doesn't mean I am not thinking of you. Each one of you cross my mind every single day. Because I am so very grateful and thankful for all of you.
OK, well, time to catch up on some more TiVo shows.
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