Honestly, I had no idea it had been so long since I blogged. I've blogged on myspace a bit but that mostly my venting. Not that I haven't vented and ranted here.
Hopefully, those who decide to leave me comments about "mental health" have decided to move on. Actually I think that's one of the reasons why I stopped blogging.
Since my last post, Privacy is still a luxury. One that I honestly think I may NEVER have again. And I ask myself almost daily if I should give up the idea of that "ideal life" because I am never going to obtain it. I just get the feeling as soon as I attempt to gain some of my independence back the amount of guilt and whining will be unbearable.
I want love and want to marry the man I love....but I have to bring my parents along because they got to suck my independence away?
Right before I started working on this blog, I said that I was thinking of going to the grocery store because I had the munchies for something and I got a freaking guilt trip over it. I got the sigh and whine, like "HOW DARE" I think about going to the grocery store without my mother. Seriously? It's the stupid grocery store, I cannot go and buy chocolate chip cookies or Twinkies by myself?
And before anyone passes judgement on me, chances are if you're reading this, you do not have a clingy parent in the next room who sees EVERYTHING you do each day and every moment.
OK....
So to update things, I have finished the classroom portion of school. Today I just got word where I will be doing my externship (aka internship) to gain "real world" time required before taking my exams. If all goes well on my externship, it looks like I will graduate with honors. I'm honestly shocked at myself. I didn't go into this endevour trying to be an honor student, it just happened.
We are still living in West Los Angeles. I love it and really want to continue to live in this area.
As for what remains after the fire, the debris removal started about 6 weeks ago and appears to be almost complete complex wide. The removal is what remained of my home and its contents after the fire. It's easy to think that there would be nothing remaining but there was. And after you throw in at least 3 good rain storms and the mud that came down the hill and into my yard...there was stuff to remove. I honestly wish I could get up and look at the site after the removal but they won't let us in there.
This week marked the 5th month anniversary since the fire. I think the 6th month mark will be kinda tough. I still miss "things" and think of what burned often. I do feel like a part of me died in the fire. Maybe that will change over time. But I lived in that house for over 8 years and I am amazed that in 5 months, I am forgetting what things looked like. Things I saw every single day, I struggle to remember them. Maybe I am not supposed to remember them. Maybe it's my brain doing what it needs to do to keep me from loosing it. I do miss the quiet, the wildlife that would wander through the yards, my roses, the privacy, being able to see the stars, knowing all the side streets so I could avoid traffic if I needed to do something around 5pm, and the safety. Not that I don't feel safe and secure now, it's hard to explain.
Wow, when I started this I thought I didn't have much to write, guess I did. And I have to stop now because I have been battling a cold and I've got a lingering cough that has worn me out. I will write more soon.
I will be adding this blog to my Facebook page. For any reader on Facebook who reads my earlier posts, my emotions take full range during my blogging and I will say I am not the same person when I started.
