Christmas came and went and....it sucked! I feel like I've been robbed of a fun holiday. I got NO presents. I did enjoy the few messages of "Merry Christmas" I got. I couldn't have felt more alone and it was (is) horrible. I've cried myself to sleep every night since the 23rd. I want someone special to share holidays with (besides my parents).
Yes, I've got extended family, but honestly, they are jerks. My aunt called and threw a hissy fit because we didn't feel like getting in the car and driving 2 hours to sit at her house for Christmas. Don't we have a choice NOT to do that.
You have no clue how many phone calls we get a day related to the fire. Insurance, FEMA, local government, the mobile home park, charities, etc. It was nice knowing we'd have one day where no phone calls like that would come. We wanted to enjoy that. We've also been going at a constant pace working to use the pre-Christmas sales to our advantage. So we were exhausted and yet the "guilt train" comes on because we don't feel like getting in a car and driving to sit at someone else's house. Seriously? How come we don't get to have a day of peace and quiet?
I hope no one ever has to go through the task of replacing things. You go along and think, "OK, it's done I've got the basics". Then there is a blast of cold air and you realize that you need another blanket or a small heater to help you stay warm. You also realize you don't have a heavy winter coat. This stuff takes time to deal with.
OK, so I ranted again. But reminder this is MY blog and what I do here is MY stuff, OK?
I am also struggling with the fact that financially things are getting strained. We thought we'd have actual help from the people in our lives who said "we are putting something together for you" or "let me know if I can send you gift cards or something". NOTHING ever showed up and that sucks because we actually thought something was coming. I am reminded of wedding gifts, baby gifts, birthday presents, etc. I've given....oh well. It's a wake up call that's for sure.
I am on Christmas break from school but I've got a crap load of work to do. I haven't even started researching my term paper and I'm in the middle of creating a study sheet for one subject. I will have one subject left. I had also hoped I wouldn't get out of the rhythm of going to school and studying and I am lost because of all the stuff I had to do in the last week.
I am working on organizing photographs. Now that time has passed I do plan to share the photos I have. Right now I am trying to figure out where to host them so everyone can see. I am almost done uploading them on to MySpace but not everyone is on MySpace. I've got a Facebook account but for some reason no one I know is listed on that.
It appears that we will relocate in the next 30-60 days to another apartment. Right now everything is temporary until we get all settlements handled with insurance and FEMA. In the meantime, the housing market is showing no signs of improvement so we aren't in any big rush.
I kinda wish all those who've been fantastic friends lived nearby because I'd love to have a night out on the town with all of you. Hell, I'd do anything right now to avoid reading about transformers and rectifiers.
I guess what it all comes down to is each day has its struggles. Some days, the struggles are minor and other days they are major. But deep down I don't feel like I've got security. A person's home is their sanctuary and right now I don't have that and won't have it in the near future. It's frustrating.
And when I feel like things are lopsided and I am completely alone, it is even harder to see that future. I put out a challenge before and I think only one person stepped up. And this is why I find myself wondering about the quality of people I have allowed into my life, ya know.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Busy, Overdue Blogs...Homework...Christmas....
Yes, I know I am overdue on a blog where I am not venting.
Seriously, it's on my "list".
I've also got names on that "list". Names of people I owe emails to.
YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN!
That "every day life" thing can get overwhelming.
Plus when you add in the struggles of having to buy things new and not 100% sure about the financial end of it...well, it's frustrating.
Anyhow, first I got my computer back and right now my FAVORTE little buddy EVER (aka TiVo) is sitting next to me and I am trying to get him up and running. So time to tend to my favorite buddy.
Blogs and emails are forthcoming...I am on Christmas break from school so I am hoping to have some free time.
Seriously, it's on my "list".
I've also got names on that "list". Names of people I owe emails to.
YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN!
That "every day life" thing can get overwhelming.
Plus when you add in the struggles of having to buy things new and not 100% sure about the financial end of it...well, it's frustrating.
Anyhow, first I got my computer back and right now my FAVORTE little buddy EVER (aka TiVo) is sitting next to me and I am trying to get him up and running. So time to tend to my favorite buddy.
Blogs and emails are forthcoming...I am on Christmas break from school so I am hoping to have some free time.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
One Month Later....
Technically as I write this it is the 16th of December which means it has been one month and a day since I lost my home.
I marked the one-month anniversary by pulling my grade back up to an A. I dropped to a B in the days/weeks after the fire.
And about 45 minutes ago......my tooth broke.
Ugh!
At least it isn't cold/hot sensitive, isn't throbbing in pain, but it is still a bit of a pain. I mean like I really want to attempt to find a dentist who can see me on an emergency at some point tomorrow. Oh joy!
Yes, I know I shouldn't have to FIND a dentist. But earlier this year I changed plans and never got a new dentist. So, yeah, you get the idea (and if you don't - oh well)
There has been lots of stuff going on in the "life after the fire" file. A blog is forthcoming as I've got a pretty crazy week ahead of me.
Those of you who have stepped up and actually communicated with me...there is no need for you to read on....
This is an open statement to those who call themselves "friends". You don't know how to be a friend. It's been a fucking month and outside of the "oh my god, I am so sorry" message I have heard absolutely NOTHING from you. And yet, I sent you emails as well as the link to this blog. So if you've been a blog luker and think you're covered. You aren't.
I do not want people like you in my life. I've given you chances and nothing. I am NOT doing all the work to maintain what is a pretty crappy friendship (on my side). You aren't fucking worth it.
As The Donald Would Say..."You're Fired!"
As the Survivors Say...."I'm sorry you've been voted off the island"
And as I would say...."BUH BYE!!!"
Seriously, I no longer want to hear from you. I am done putting in the effort when all you do is take and when I actually NEEDED your friendship you couldn't step up. How fucking pathetic!
It should be noted that those who have been in communication with me have been fantastic and know what "friendship" means.
I am excited that you are no longer in my life...seriously. And if you think you can use the "I didn't know what to say" excuse...it's too late.
SHITTY TOXIC SO CALLED FRIENDS BE GONE!!!!! I AM WAAAAAAAAAY TOO GOOD TO BE IN YOUR LIFE!
I marked the one-month anniversary by pulling my grade back up to an A. I dropped to a B in the days/weeks after the fire.
And about 45 minutes ago......my tooth broke.
Ugh!
At least it isn't cold/hot sensitive, isn't throbbing in pain, but it is still a bit of a pain. I mean like I really want to attempt to find a dentist who can see me on an emergency at some point tomorrow. Oh joy!
Yes, I know I shouldn't have to FIND a dentist. But earlier this year I changed plans and never got a new dentist. So, yeah, you get the idea (and if you don't - oh well)
There has been lots of stuff going on in the "life after the fire" file. A blog is forthcoming as I've got a pretty crazy week ahead of me.
Those of you who have stepped up and actually communicated with me...there is no need for you to read on....
This is an open statement to those who call themselves "friends". You don't know how to be a friend. It's been a fucking month and outside of the "oh my god, I am so sorry" message I have heard absolutely NOTHING from you. And yet, I sent you emails as well as the link to this blog. So if you've been a blog luker and think you're covered. You aren't.
I do not want people like you in my life. I've given you chances and nothing. I am NOT doing all the work to maintain what is a pretty crappy friendship (on my side). You aren't fucking worth it.
As The Donald Would Say..."You're Fired!"
As the Survivors Say...."I'm sorry you've been voted off the island"
And as I would say...."BUH BYE!!!"
Seriously, I no longer want to hear from you. I am done putting in the effort when all you do is take and when I actually NEEDED your friendship you couldn't step up. How fucking pathetic!
It should be noted that those who have been in communication with me have been fantastic and know what "friendship" means.
I am excited that you are no longer in my life...seriously. And if you think you can use the "I didn't know what to say" excuse...it's too late.
SHITTY TOXIC SO CALLED FRIENDS BE GONE!!!!! I AM WAAAAAAAAAY TOO GOOD TO BE IN YOUR LIFE!
Friday, December 12, 2008
A Day of Studying....
First off....KUDOS to those of you who stepped up to my challenge. Major snaps, points, warm fuzzies, etc. for you.
It has been a long week and next week looks to be even crazier as I will be taking a day class and a night class for two days. Ugh!
Mom and I finally got Dad off his "I'm going to be a real estate agent and find us a home" kick. Well, at least until the thought crosses his mind again. He can only be distracted so often and for so long.
The living arrangement is still stressful. But I'm learning to cope and I'm just happy that I've got my own computer. Seriously, it is the ONE place I have privacy.
This morning my cell rang with a call related to being a victim of the fire. I finished the call and I hadn't been off the phone 30 seconds before both parents were in my doorway asking who was on the phone. ARGH!!!!!
I politely and forcefully said, it was none of their business but then I got pouting. Oh joy!
I am going out tonight and I've already been hit twice with "what time are you leaving to go out?" and "what time do you think you'll be home?"
Rather than answering I've replied with "why is there something you need/want me to do before I leave?" and "do you need me to stay away until a certain time?"
Uhhhh....yeah.....I think I shut down the question machine. And I am sure there will be, yet again, another discussion about boundaries before the weekend is done.
In the meantime, I am studying. I hate the fact that I am struggling so much and that it feels like I am learning nothing. But I am pulling down a high B average learning nothing so go figure.
Well, back to reviewing for my test on Monday. At least it is Friday which means I might actually get a decent grade come Monday.
Still deciding if I want to share photos.
It has been a long week and next week looks to be even crazier as I will be taking a day class and a night class for two days. Ugh!
Mom and I finally got Dad off his "I'm going to be a real estate agent and find us a home" kick. Well, at least until the thought crosses his mind again. He can only be distracted so often and for so long.
The living arrangement is still stressful. But I'm learning to cope and I'm just happy that I've got my own computer. Seriously, it is the ONE place I have privacy.
This morning my cell rang with a call related to being a victim of the fire. I finished the call and I hadn't been off the phone 30 seconds before both parents were in my doorway asking who was on the phone. ARGH!!!!!
I politely and forcefully said, it was none of their business but then I got pouting. Oh joy!
I am going out tonight and I've already been hit twice with "what time are you leaving to go out?" and "what time do you think you'll be home?"
Rather than answering I've replied with "why is there something you need/want me to do before I leave?" and "do you need me to stay away until a certain time?"
Uhhhh....yeah.....I think I shut down the question machine. And I am sure there will be, yet again, another discussion about boundaries before the weekend is done.
In the meantime, I am studying. I hate the fact that I am struggling so much and that it feels like I am learning nothing. But I am pulling down a high B average learning nothing so go figure.
Well, back to reviewing for my test on Monday. At least it is Friday which means I might actually get a decent grade come Monday.
Still deciding if I want to share photos.
Monday, December 8, 2008
A difficult evening.....
I hate this.....
I am having a really difficult evening.....
and I am alone
And those who I thought were some of the closest people in my life have all but gone silent.
Do you know how much that hurts?
NO!
I am beginning to wonder.....is it that everyone is so wrapped in being the center of the universe that the thought of asking someone "how are you?" has slipped your mind?
I am so terrified to actually reach out to these people.
Seriously, I thought you and I were friends.....
Clearly I was the stupid the one.....maybe I was just a speed bump to make YOUR life better.
And what sucks is that I have a test tomorrow....and a very long night ahead of me.
Thank you for the confirmation that I am nothing and teaching me where my place is in the world. But you know what I will play YOUR game...I AM THE CENTER OF MY UNIVERSE AND IF YOU HAVE A FOR CRAP DAY - DON'T EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU FEEL BETTER! Thanks for teaching me the ways of the world with you in it.
I am having a really difficult evening.....
and I am alone
And those who I thought were some of the closest people in my life have all but gone silent.
Do you know how much that hurts?
NO!
I am beginning to wonder.....is it that everyone is so wrapped in being the center of the universe that the thought of asking someone "how are you?" has slipped your mind?
I am so terrified to actually reach out to these people.
Seriously, I thought you and I were friends.....
Clearly I was the stupid the one.....maybe I was just a speed bump to make YOUR life better.
And what sucks is that I have a test tomorrow....and a very long night ahead of me.
Thank you for the confirmation that I am nothing and teaching me where my place is in the world. But you know what I will play YOUR game...I AM THE CENTER OF MY UNIVERSE AND IF YOU HAVE A FOR CRAP DAY - DON'T EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU FEEL BETTER! Thanks for teaching me the ways of the world with you in it.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
San Fernando Sun Article
This is a link to an article that was written about me and my parents. The photo included was taken just as we left the Red Cross Shelter to head to our apartment.
http://www.sanfernandosun.com/sanfernsun/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2974&Itemid=0
http://www.sanfernandosun.com/sanfernsun/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2974&Itemid=0
Sunday, December 7 - Shaping up to be yet another for crap day
Great....it seems my father (the most directionally challenged person in our family) has taken on the project of finding us a new house.
Yep, US....seems I will now forever be stuck living with them?!?!?!
FUCK!!!!
I did not know this was the plan and when DID it become the plan. I don't recall discussing it.
So it seems I am not officially get to dump the thoughts of continuing my education (something I REALLY wanted to do) because the sooner I get out and get a job the sooner I can have income and qualify for my own mortgage so I do NOT have to live with them.
This fucking sucks!
If I find the little fucker who started the fire I want to kill him.
Yep, US....seems I will now forever be stuck living with them?!?!?!
FUCK!!!!
I did not know this was the plan and when DID it become the plan. I don't recall discussing it.
So it seems I am not officially get to dump the thoughts of continuing my education (something I REALLY wanted to do) because the sooner I get out and get a job the sooner I can have income and qualify for my own mortgage so I do NOT have to live with them.
This fucking sucks!
If I find the little fucker who started the fire I want to kill him.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Contact with the Outside World
OK, readers.....
This is a challenge for you.
My house burned down.
In addition, I am dealing with school and being over 40 and back in school.
I am living with my parents and have about 0.000001% of privacy.
I don't have a ton of free minutes on my cell phone plan.
I DO, however, finally have a computer in my room which means I have privacy within my computer screen.
My challenge to you readers....WRITE ME!!!! You want to know how I am outside of the blog then write me a freaking message and open the lines of communication.
I want to know about YOU as well. I could seriously use the distraction once in awhile. NO judgements on my side about your life.
Homework keeps me pretty well filled up and if I'm not doing that I have to be working on my home inventory for the insurance company (they won't pay off my mortgage without it - Ugh!)
Some of you get kudos and golf claps for already sending me emails. But I KNOW for a fact there are some of you out there reading this and not stepping up.
So...step up and talk to me.
I am not going to share your secrets on my blog. Cause, well my blog is about ME not you. Duh!
I want to know about you....some of you I haven't heard from in a long time and YOU reached out to me after the fire (thank you) so tell me what's been going on.
Some of you I do hear from once in a while...well time to add a little something to the emails.
Let's see who actually steps up to the challenge. You do not need to worry that you are going to say something "wrong" to me. Not gonna happen...
But I do feel like people I thought were "friends" really aren't friends....change my mind.
NOTE: Those of you who I am hearing from...just add a little more the emails, it will totally make my day.
This is a challenge for you.
My house burned down.
In addition, I am dealing with school and being over 40 and back in school.
I am living with my parents and have about 0.000001% of privacy.
I don't have a ton of free minutes on my cell phone plan.
I DO, however, finally have a computer in my room which means I have privacy within my computer screen.
My challenge to you readers....WRITE ME!!!! You want to know how I am outside of the blog then write me a freaking message and open the lines of communication.
I want to know about YOU as well. I could seriously use the distraction once in awhile. NO judgements on my side about your life.
Homework keeps me pretty well filled up and if I'm not doing that I have to be working on my home inventory for the insurance company (they won't pay off my mortgage without it - Ugh!)
Some of you get kudos and golf claps for already sending me emails. But I KNOW for a fact there are some of you out there reading this and not stepping up.
So...step up and talk to me.
I am not going to share your secrets on my blog. Cause, well my blog is about ME not you. Duh!
I want to know about you....some of you I haven't heard from in a long time and YOU reached out to me after the fire (thank you) so tell me what's been going on.
Some of you I do hear from once in a while...well time to add a little something to the emails.
Let's see who actually steps up to the challenge. You do not need to worry that you are going to say something "wrong" to me. Not gonna happen...
But I do feel like people I thought were "friends" really aren't friends....change my mind.
NOTE: Those of you who I am hearing from...just add a little more the emails, it will totally make my day.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
December 2 - NOT a good day
I am trying to figure out my homework and I am feeling overwhelmed.
In addition, this Saturday is the last day I will be able to visit the remains of my home. I have to decide if I want to go for one last look.
Top that off with the fact that I've got to decide if I want to go alone or have my parents in tow.
Before the fire, I was already feeling like I wanted to add space between me and my parents but now I am living with them. I have no privacy, no alone time, and now tonight before I go to bed I have to decide if I want them at my side this weekend. When the truth is I DO NOT KNOW.
I am so overwhelmed with trying to understand my school work that the LAST thing on my mind is this but I don't have the luxury of saying, "Let me see how I feel."
I mean, I might need the support but right now I don't know. Right now my focus is trying to understand things that make no sense to me.
And trying to figure out what a "pain" my father might be is just something I do not want to think about.
I am lost.
Maybe starting this blog is what ultimately brought an end to people contacting me. I have no clue. I went from hearing from people to fucking crickets there is so much silence.
I guess that is what happens. In the heat of it, it is a major event. Then everyone else goes on with their lives and forgets about it. Yet, I am still living in the middle of it.....and wondering if I even HAVE friends or the ones I thought I had are even worth keeping.
Right now I want to cry...but because I am not alone I have to be ready for 20 questions about "what's wrong".
And the cherry to all this is I think I've lost one of my best friends....I've had silence for over a week where there used to be close to daily contact. I miss this person and when I say "I miss you" I am answered by silence. That hurts.
Oh well, time to suck it up and pretend that my allergies are acting up and that is why it looks like I've been crying (when in reality I am crying) and attempt to figure out silver halide crystals, photons and what happens when they interact.
In addition, this Saturday is the last day I will be able to visit the remains of my home. I have to decide if I want to go for one last look.
Top that off with the fact that I've got to decide if I want to go alone or have my parents in tow.
Before the fire, I was already feeling like I wanted to add space between me and my parents but now I am living with them. I have no privacy, no alone time, and now tonight before I go to bed I have to decide if I want them at my side this weekend. When the truth is I DO NOT KNOW.
I am so overwhelmed with trying to understand my school work that the LAST thing on my mind is this but I don't have the luxury of saying, "Let me see how I feel."
I mean, I might need the support but right now I don't know. Right now my focus is trying to understand things that make no sense to me.
And trying to figure out what a "pain" my father might be is just something I do not want to think about.
I am lost.
Maybe starting this blog is what ultimately brought an end to people contacting me. I have no clue. I went from hearing from people to fucking crickets there is so much silence.
I guess that is what happens. In the heat of it, it is a major event. Then everyone else goes on with their lives and forgets about it. Yet, I am still living in the middle of it.....and wondering if I even HAVE friends or the ones I thought I had are even worth keeping.
Right now I want to cry...but because I am not alone I have to be ready for 20 questions about "what's wrong".
And the cherry to all this is I think I've lost one of my best friends....I've had silence for over a week where there used to be close to daily contact. I miss this person and when I say "I miss you" I am answered by silence. That hurts.
Oh well, time to suck it up and pretend that my allergies are acting up and that is why it looks like I've been crying (when in reality I am crying) and attempt to figure out silver halide crystals, photons and what happens when they interact.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Death of my iPod
A very sad night.
After searching and looking, my iPod has not turned up. Which means, it was lost in the fire.
I was POSITIVE that I had it and it was tucked away someplace.
But no such luck.
Earlier this evening, I just wanted to lie down and loose myself in my favorite songs. The songs that are the soundtrack to my life.
And like so many times in the last two weeks, I realize that I can't just go grab something I owned and use it.
It is situations just like this that frustrate me and ultimately make me sad.
I needed to hear those songs to transport my brain to different thoughts and it's not there.
I hadn't planned to cry myself to sleep tonight but I am frustrated and feel stupid that I didn't grab it. It must've been lying on the table or in the charger.
After searching and looking, my iPod has not turned up. Which means, it was lost in the fire.
I was POSITIVE that I had it and it was tucked away someplace.
But no such luck.
Earlier this evening, I just wanted to lie down and loose myself in my favorite songs. The songs that are the soundtrack to my life.
And like so many times in the last two weeks, I realize that I can't just go grab something I owned and use it.
It is situations just like this that frustrate me and ultimately make me sad.
I needed to hear those songs to transport my brain to different thoughts and it's not there.
I hadn't planned to cry myself to sleep tonight but I am frustrated and feel stupid that I didn't grab it. It must've been lying on the table or in the charger.
Beating The Irish!!!!!
OK, so while I should be climbing into bed and doing a bit of homework, I am blogging.
However, I had a FANTASTIC day today. While I did tell my story many times, outside of telling the story, it felt like "normal".
I was having a blast at the final home game for the awesome USC Trojans!!!!
I was hoping it would feel normal and it did.
The outpouring of support I got from my fellow Trojan friends was well so very touching. I made some new friends and I look forward to discussing our trip to the Rose Bowl (again, UGH!) and next season with my new friends (and old ones).
I just realized I didn't take any pictures at this game. Oh well, sometimes the game photos look the same and I need to zoom in to see what the uniforms of the other team looks like to determine which game it was. A shut out would've been nice, but if we kept them to under 100 yards and only field goal, I can live with that.
The Bruins are next up and well......I think the game against ASU will be considered a "good game" in UCLA world after we are done with them.
And for anyone who happens to know my thoughts on me being in Pasadena on days USC is playing....you will be happy to learn I have NO plans to be in Pasadena next Saturday.
Well, I am rambling and I see that Zoe has taken over my side of the bed so I'm gonna move her fuzzy little body and crack open a textbook to see exactly how much reading I have to do by Monday.
Yikes! Did I actually let my homework wait until Sunday??!?!?
However, I had a FANTASTIC day today. While I did tell my story many times, outside of telling the story, it felt like "normal".
I was having a blast at the final home game for the awesome USC Trojans!!!!
I was hoping it would feel normal and it did.
The outpouring of support I got from my fellow Trojan friends was well so very touching. I made some new friends and I look forward to discussing our trip to the Rose Bowl (again, UGH!) and next season with my new friends (and old ones).
I just realized I didn't take any pictures at this game. Oh well, sometimes the game photos look the same and I need to zoom in to see what the uniforms of the other team looks like to determine which game it was. A shut out would've been nice, but if we kept them to under 100 yards and only field goal, I can live with that.
The Bruins are next up and well......I think the game against ASU will be considered a "good game" in UCLA world after we are done with them.
And for anyone who happens to know my thoughts on me being in Pasadena on days USC is playing....you will be happy to learn I have NO plans to be in Pasadena next Saturday.
Well, I am rambling and I see that Zoe has taken over my side of the bed so I'm gonna move her fuzzy little body and crack open a textbook to see exactly how much reading I have to do by Monday.
Yikes! Did I actually let my homework wait until Sunday??!?!?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
What can you do to help?
I have gotten many emails asking that question. It hasn’t been that I’ve been ignoring the questions. But this is a tough one for me because I am the "I can do it myself" kinda girl.
Because I am a full-time student, any money that I can put towards my tuition is appreciated. As my things to sell on eBay, well…ummm….are no longer around. (smile)
Gift cards are the best way to go. Right now, it is just about getting the basics to operate in a day-to-day kinda way.
However, I will move into my own place again and there will be a time I replace things.
So gift cards to Walmart, Target, iTunes (as I lost all my CDs), Amazon (as I lost many books), eBay (to replace the things I can’t find in stores), JCPenney, and well Fredericks of Hollywood (as this is where I get my favorite bras).
The Visa and American Express ones are good as well but they have fees attached to them on both the purchasers side and the users side.
Being a "I can do it myself" kinda girl, I am learning to say "yes" and "thank you".
This whole experience is reminding me of exactly what types of people I have in my life. Sadly, I have a few who were there in the first few hours and have all but vanished. But there are those of you, well, you know exactly who you are, who haven’t vanished, I am grateful to have people like you in my life.
Well, I need to finish this entry to I can get myself together and head out to the Notre Dame vs. USC game. I am looking forward to going and being in a fun environment for a few hours. Sure, I’ve got homework and trust me I will be thinking of that during half time, but a few hours having fun is needed. Fight On!!!!
I got my own internet access now so I am hoping to get entries up more often.
Because I am a full-time student, any money that I can put towards my tuition is appreciated. As my things to sell on eBay, well…ummm….are no longer around. (smile)
Gift cards are the best way to go. Right now, it is just about getting the basics to operate in a day-to-day kinda way.
However, I will move into my own place again and there will be a time I replace things.
So gift cards to Walmart, Target, iTunes (as I lost all my CDs), Amazon (as I lost many books), eBay (to replace the things I can’t find in stores), JCPenney, and well Fredericks of Hollywood (as this is where I get my favorite bras).
The Visa and American Express ones are good as well but they have fees attached to them on both the purchasers side and the users side.
Being a "I can do it myself" kinda girl, I am learning to say "yes" and "thank you".
This whole experience is reminding me of exactly what types of people I have in my life. Sadly, I have a few who were there in the first few hours and have all but vanished. But there are those of you, well, you know exactly who you are, who haven’t vanished, I am grateful to have people like you in my life.
Well, I need to finish this entry to I can get myself together and head out to the Notre Dame vs. USC game. I am looking forward to going and being in a fun environment for a few hours. Sure, I’ve got homework and trust me I will be thinking of that during half time, but a few hours having fun is needed. Fight On!!!!
I got my own internet access now so I am hoping to get entries up more often.
Friday, November 21 (I return to my home)
The day is here. Deep down inside I’ve been stressing about this day. I have no clue what to expect when I see my burned home. I’ve seen burned homes before but never up close and personal.
I know of people who’ve had parts of their homes burn and I’ve heard their stories. But it doesn’t matter what their experiences, what I was going to feel were MY feelings and MY experiences.
This was my home. This home I created on my own. It was a home I was proud of and took pride in. It was MY place where I cried over lost loves & friendships, the place where I laughed, the place where I learned to have a life/work balance, it was my space in this world. Not someplace I shared with my parents, but mine.
After some logistical nightmares, it was finally time to head up the main road to my home.
I look around as I head up the hill to my home. I am stunned. There is one single home left in a sea of burned out homes. The smell of charred ash is overwhelming. I look at the homes where there are burned out cars in what was the garage. I look at what is left of my neighbors homes. I secretly use it as an indicator to tell my brain what I might see.
I see my mailbox and it is blackened. Gulp! Sigh! One more driveway and we will be at my home. I see it as we turn to park, I get the first glimpse of my home. It is a shock. Not that I had expectations, but I was not expecting what I saw.
The garage doors are recognizable. There are some items that I can see from across the street. I head towards the garage area to see what I might see and I start to cry. I look across what was my home and I am at a loss. Yes, it is just "stuff" but it was MY "stuff" and as I said earlier it was MY home.
I start to walk around and try to see what I can recognize by sight. It is tough. There are landmarks throughout the house that are easy to see. However, before I start to work my way walking through the actual remains, I want to see my parents home.
We walk down towards their home. It is just as shocking to see their home as it was to see mine. Things are harder to view from the street but having lived there we knew where to train our eyes to look for things. We realize that their home will be harder to navigate through the remains than mine due to the layout of the homes.
As we walk back towards my house, I look across the street and wonder what is with the aluminum foil. As I walk toward the foil, I recognize that the foil boxes came from my house. I am confused and laugh. What is with the foil and clearly someone got into my home and got the foil. I see a box across the street as well. My first thought is that it is clean up supplies that one of my neighbors just left and didn’t clean up.
The sunlight is hitting something causing a reflection. With the sun hitting a piece of plastic and causing a glare, I recognize something and start to run towards the box.
The item causing the glare is a photo frame from my house and the picture inside the frame is a picture taking of my house about a year after I moved into it. I start to scream and run towards the box. My parents are about 10-20 feet behind me and ask, "What’s Wrong!".
I get to the box and yell, "these are MY things…these are things from MY home!"
I grab the box and head to the car, I want to see what is inside. At first glance inside the box I do see items. And what I see makes me smile. While I don’t have the entire story, it appears that the firemen got into my home and walked through grabbing any photo frame that had a picture inside. Some of the pictures I had digital versions of. Others, I didn’t. There was even a Disney collectible mixed in with it all. I was so overcome with joy, I couldn’t cry. That was an amazing way to start the process of going through the remains.
(A few hours later, I found out that the box had been sitting across the street since Saturday morning. Based on the timeline, I realize that my home burned mere hours after I left it.)
With an air mask on, I start to wander through the ashes that were my home. I walk through the garage first. I see some of my Disney items that were ceramics. They are charred and the heat has caused them to crack. When I go to pick up a piece it practically shatters in my hand. Next I am able to see my tailgating supplies. I see what appears to be remains of the Christmas ornament collection that was started with my first Christmas.
I survey and see that there isn’t anything in the garage. I climb over a beam and move into what was my bedroom. I want to see if I can figure out where my jewelry box was and see if there is anything there. I did get out with all my good and sentimental jewelry. This was just to see what might have survived. I started digging through the ash and I quickly got my answer. There were blobs of some substance that was a silver color. I figure this was my jewelry as there were many blobs and it was concentrated in one area. I find the decorative piece of metal that was on a mirror on a piece of furniture in my room. The sinks in my bathroom are not something I can find. I am able to see the medicine cabinet so I knew where my bathroom was.
I am still in my bedroom and there are mounds of burned hangers. This is where my closet once stood. I do have some regrets on not taking more clothing. I lost so many items of clothing that were my favorite and due to time are no longer replaceable. I took great pride that my junior prom dress was too big on me at this time. I also had a high heel collection that I spent many years obtaining. All the shoes fit me perfectly and now they are gone (sad).
I make my way into what was my kitchen. There are a few items that I can figure out what they are but mostly it is just the sink, a charred microwave, a few pans, a melted pile of Corel dishes, and the metal on the back of my refrigerator. The pantry has a few cans of food that the tops have been blown open.
I try to figure out why there are springs in my dining room and I laugh and realize I had been storing a queen size mattress in there. While in the dining room area, I recover a piece or original artwork someone created for me. It was a ceramic so I was not completely shocked it survived. The heat must have been greater in the garage which is why so many of the ceramics there did not survive.
I make my way to where my curio cabinet would have been. Ugh! The glass from the cabinet has melted all over everything and the ash has stuck to it along with many other things I can’t recognize. The melted glass is also pointy which I can feel even through the gloves. I am able to find a few broken pieces from the curio cabinet. Can’t help but wonder if the glass hadn’t been there if more pieces might have made it.
As I look the remains I recognize a few things. Some exercise equipment pieces. A blanket rack. The springs from my recliner. The springs from the fold out bed in my couch.
Every room has charred items that are like shadows of what was once in the room. I am sad.
As I said before I know it was "stuff" and that the fact I am healthy safe as is Zoe and my parents is the priority. However, this stuff was a sign of the things I accomplished on my own. It was my "wealth" and also an accumulation of gifts from those who cared and loved me. I valued my "stuff" and while it may have been cluttered about my home, I did care for it and took pride in it. There are many memories that were under that roof.
The insurance inspector showed up. That was nice. He took pictures and spent lots of time talking to us.
We took a walk over to my parents house and were able to recover a few things from the ashes that weren’t too burned. They had a few items that even fire couldn’t destroy. We hiked our way into the remains and marked where important items could be located. They had planned to come back together on Sunday to go through their home.
I took pictures but not 100% sure I am going to display them here. Right now they feel deeply personal to me and not feeling like I want to share them at this time.
For those who had been to my place, at one point I was standing in the ash and I found a pile of blue glass. I picked it up and asked my mother, "do you remember me having any vase or glass that was blue." There was silence and she said, "that was where the booze was, right?" I laughed as I realized it was my Skyy vodka bottle.
The day had been long and hot. It was time to get back to our new temporary home. It was a quiet drive back to Universal City but I think we were all processing what we had seen in the last few hours.
I am grateful for that box and it still makes me smile when I think of it and that there was enough time for something to get rescued from my home. Sure, I could’ve left a list for the firemen but I am very happy with my unexpected surprise.
I know of people who’ve had parts of their homes burn and I’ve heard their stories. But it doesn’t matter what their experiences, what I was going to feel were MY feelings and MY experiences.
This was my home. This home I created on my own. It was a home I was proud of and took pride in. It was MY place where I cried over lost loves & friendships, the place where I laughed, the place where I learned to have a life/work balance, it was my space in this world. Not someplace I shared with my parents, but mine.
After some logistical nightmares, it was finally time to head up the main road to my home.
I look around as I head up the hill to my home. I am stunned. There is one single home left in a sea of burned out homes. The smell of charred ash is overwhelming. I look at the homes where there are burned out cars in what was the garage. I look at what is left of my neighbors homes. I secretly use it as an indicator to tell my brain what I might see.
I see my mailbox and it is blackened. Gulp! Sigh! One more driveway and we will be at my home. I see it as we turn to park, I get the first glimpse of my home. It is a shock. Not that I had expectations, but I was not expecting what I saw.
The garage doors are recognizable. There are some items that I can see from across the street. I head towards the garage area to see what I might see and I start to cry. I look across what was my home and I am at a loss. Yes, it is just "stuff" but it was MY "stuff" and as I said earlier it was MY home.
I start to walk around and try to see what I can recognize by sight. It is tough. There are landmarks throughout the house that are easy to see. However, before I start to work my way walking through the actual remains, I want to see my parents home.
We walk down towards their home. It is just as shocking to see their home as it was to see mine. Things are harder to view from the street but having lived there we knew where to train our eyes to look for things. We realize that their home will be harder to navigate through the remains than mine due to the layout of the homes.
As we walk back towards my house, I look across the street and wonder what is with the aluminum foil. As I walk toward the foil, I recognize that the foil boxes came from my house. I am confused and laugh. What is with the foil and clearly someone got into my home and got the foil. I see a box across the street as well. My first thought is that it is clean up supplies that one of my neighbors just left and didn’t clean up.
The sunlight is hitting something causing a reflection. With the sun hitting a piece of plastic and causing a glare, I recognize something and start to run towards the box.
The item causing the glare is a photo frame from my house and the picture inside the frame is a picture taking of my house about a year after I moved into it. I start to scream and run towards the box. My parents are about 10-20 feet behind me and ask, "What’s Wrong!".
I get to the box and yell, "these are MY things…these are things from MY home!"
I grab the box and head to the car, I want to see what is inside. At first glance inside the box I do see items. And what I see makes me smile. While I don’t have the entire story, it appears that the firemen got into my home and walked through grabbing any photo frame that had a picture inside. Some of the pictures I had digital versions of. Others, I didn’t. There was even a Disney collectible mixed in with it all. I was so overcome with joy, I couldn’t cry. That was an amazing way to start the process of going through the remains.
(A few hours later, I found out that the box had been sitting across the street since Saturday morning. Based on the timeline, I realize that my home burned mere hours after I left it.)
With an air mask on, I start to wander through the ashes that were my home. I walk through the garage first. I see some of my Disney items that were ceramics. They are charred and the heat has caused them to crack. When I go to pick up a piece it practically shatters in my hand. Next I am able to see my tailgating supplies. I see what appears to be remains of the Christmas ornament collection that was started with my first Christmas.
I survey and see that there isn’t anything in the garage. I climb over a beam and move into what was my bedroom. I want to see if I can figure out where my jewelry box was and see if there is anything there. I did get out with all my good and sentimental jewelry. This was just to see what might have survived. I started digging through the ash and I quickly got my answer. There were blobs of some substance that was a silver color. I figure this was my jewelry as there were many blobs and it was concentrated in one area. I find the decorative piece of metal that was on a mirror on a piece of furniture in my room. The sinks in my bathroom are not something I can find. I am able to see the medicine cabinet so I knew where my bathroom was.
I am still in my bedroom and there are mounds of burned hangers. This is where my closet once stood. I do have some regrets on not taking more clothing. I lost so many items of clothing that were my favorite and due to time are no longer replaceable. I took great pride that my junior prom dress was too big on me at this time. I also had a high heel collection that I spent many years obtaining. All the shoes fit me perfectly and now they are gone (sad).
I make my way into what was my kitchen. There are a few items that I can figure out what they are but mostly it is just the sink, a charred microwave, a few pans, a melted pile of Corel dishes, and the metal on the back of my refrigerator. The pantry has a few cans of food that the tops have been blown open.
I try to figure out why there are springs in my dining room and I laugh and realize I had been storing a queen size mattress in there. While in the dining room area, I recover a piece or original artwork someone created for me. It was a ceramic so I was not completely shocked it survived. The heat must have been greater in the garage which is why so many of the ceramics there did not survive.
I make my way to where my curio cabinet would have been. Ugh! The glass from the cabinet has melted all over everything and the ash has stuck to it along with many other things I can’t recognize. The melted glass is also pointy which I can feel even through the gloves. I am able to find a few broken pieces from the curio cabinet. Can’t help but wonder if the glass hadn’t been there if more pieces might have made it.
As I look the remains I recognize a few things. Some exercise equipment pieces. A blanket rack. The springs from my recliner. The springs from the fold out bed in my couch.
Every room has charred items that are like shadows of what was once in the room. I am sad.
As I said before I know it was "stuff" and that the fact I am healthy safe as is Zoe and my parents is the priority. However, this stuff was a sign of the things I accomplished on my own. It was my "wealth" and also an accumulation of gifts from those who cared and loved me. I valued my "stuff" and while it may have been cluttered about my home, I did care for it and took pride in it. There are many memories that were under that roof.
The insurance inspector showed up. That was nice. He took pictures and spent lots of time talking to us.
We took a walk over to my parents house and were able to recover a few things from the ashes that weren’t too burned. They had a few items that even fire couldn’t destroy. We hiked our way into the remains and marked where important items could be located. They had planned to come back together on Sunday to go through their home.
I took pictures but not 100% sure I am going to display them here. Right now they feel deeply personal to me and not feeling like I want to share them at this time.
For those who had been to my place, at one point I was standing in the ash and I found a pile of blue glass. I picked it up and asked my mother, "do you remember me having any vase or glass that was blue." There was silence and she said, "that was where the booze was, right?" I laughed as I realized it was my Skyy vodka bottle.
The day had been long and hot. It was time to get back to our new temporary home. It was a quiet drive back to Universal City but I think we were all processing what we had seen in the last few hours.
I am grateful for that box and it still makes me smile when I think of it and that there was enough time for something to get rescued from my home. Sure, I could’ve left a list for the firemen but I am very happy with my unexpected surprise.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving
We are settling into our apartment a bit more.
This week has been kinda crazy.
Please hang tight as I am working on the day I returned to my home after the fire.
This post has been the most insightful and emotional for me to write. It has also cleared a "path of light" for me.
This week has also had me dealing with algebra, a test, homework, writing a paper, and just plain getting myself organized.
We've decided to take advantage of Black Friday deals and since I am supposed to be awake in about 5 hours, it's time to go.
I am hoping to have a new blog up before the holiday weekend ends. Not 100% sure it will include pictures at this point, I am not feeling too open to sharing the photos quite yet.
Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. We did.
This week has been kinda crazy.
Please hang tight as I am working on the day I returned to my home after the fire.
This post has been the most insightful and emotional for me to write. It has also cleared a "path of light" for me.
This week has also had me dealing with algebra, a test, homework, writing a paper, and just plain getting myself organized.
We've decided to take advantage of Black Friday deals and since I am supposed to be awake in about 5 hours, it's time to go.
I am hoping to have a new blog up before the holiday weekend ends. Not 100% sure it will include pictures at this point, I am not feeling too open to sharing the photos quite yet.
Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. We did.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thursday, November 20
I am finding that I am enjoying the return of "normal" with going back to school. It is nice to have a place to go every day. Plus I get to see people who have been hanging out with since July.
After school is a chance to look for some clothing and get some supplies for the trip on Friday back up to the house. We have a nice dinner at the Cheesecake Factory with a friend. Outside of the conversation, this is the first normal thing we've done since the fire.
We are starting to realize that we have this clean slate and we had many things that were kinda trapping us in our homes in Oakridge. We are starting to realize that those things that were trapping us are well, no longer there. We aren't making any major decisions but there are endless possibilities and that is a nice change. It is a small silver lining that was unexpected. When I was crying my eyes out in the shelter, I didn't realize there might be a silver lining.
I mean, I was crying (and still cry) over my loss and how lost I feel without "my stuff". It was just stuff and it can be replaced I know that, but what about the things that I can't replace? Those who knew me and how I felt about "my stuff" know that I treated "my stuff" like it was a child. I know it seems strange and that it's hard to explain without me sounding like some kind of freak. (ha ha)
When it comes time to leave the Cheesecake Factory....my car won't start. Now some of you know the previous time we evacuated my car got pissy. So, OK, the car got to express that it's pissed it doesn't live in a garage anymore. Thankfully it was an easy fix. But still, cranky cars...not my idea of fun.
We get home from dinner and I lie down and I am overwhlemed with fear. I know that I want to see the remains but I am also afraid of what to expect. I've never seen anything like this up close and personal. What if I didn't see anything I recognized? What if I could recognize almost everything? So many "what if's" and I was overwhelmed and started to cry. Feeling so alone. Yes, I have my parents but that doesn't mean I still don't feel alone. It's that time when it's quiet and the silence and loneliness takes over.
I end up crying myself to sleep and know that all I have to do is get through Friday and I can move on.
After school is a chance to look for some clothing and get some supplies for the trip on Friday back up to the house. We have a nice dinner at the Cheesecake Factory with a friend. Outside of the conversation, this is the first normal thing we've done since the fire.
We are starting to realize that we have this clean slate and we had many things that were kinda trapping us in our homes in Oakridge. We are starting to realize that those things that were trapping us are well, no longer there. We aren't making any major decisions but there are endless possibilities and that is a nice change. It is a small silver lining that was unexpected. When I was crying my eyes out in the shelter, I didn't realize there might be a silver lining.
I mean, I was crying (and still cry) over my loss and how lost I feel without "my stuff". It was just stuff and it can be replaced I know that, but what about the things that I can't replace? Those who knew me and how I felt about "my stuff" know that I treated "my stuff" like it was a child. I know it seems strange and that it's hard to explain without me sounding like some kind of freak. (ha ha)
When it comes time to leave the Cheesecake Factory....my car won't start. Now some of you know the previous time we evacuated my car got pissy. So, OK, the car got to express that it's pissed it doesn't live in a garage anymore. Thankfully it was an easy fix. But still, cranky cars...not my idea of fun.
We get home from dinner and I lie down and I am overwhlemed with fear. I know that I want to see the remains but I am also afraid of what to expect. I've never seen anything like this up close and personal. What if I didn't see anything I recognized? What if I could recognize almost everything? So many "what if's" and I was overwhelmed and started to cry. Feeling so alone. Yes, I have my parents but that doesn't mean I still don't feel alone. It's that time when it's quiet and the silence and loneliness takes over.
I end up crying myself to sleep and know that all I have to do is get through Friday and I can move on.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Wednesday, November 19
I get word that my USC community would like to do something to help me. I'm yet again stunned by the outpouring of support.
Going to school is actually "normal" and it feels good. I'm trying to throw myself into learning a new subject and I'm struggling.
After school I need to get some school supplies, so I head out to do some shopping. And while I am shopping, I go to grab something and my brain says, "Oh I already got that and it's in the school supply box". Well, the school supply box was in my home in Oakridge which means I don't have those supplies.
While I am out I hear from the fireman again. We have a good talk. I get a few text messages from others as well and it's nice to know that those I am hearing from are those "good friends".
I get back to the apartment and start to work on home work. I am back on instant messaging sites so I am able to communicate with those who I don't have phone contact with. While I am printing out my flash cards to help me study, I get an instant message.
It is from someone that the fireman and I mutually know. And it seems the fireman has told this person that he saw me right before I evacuated and fought the fire on my home. His statement couldn't be further from the truth. He was in Anaheim at Disneyland a Motley Crew concert with his girlfriend. I am pissed beyond words. Mr. Fireman is using my loss to try to get himself some cyber pussy on the side. What the HELL is up with THAT?!??!?! What a jerk! I notify him that I am aware of his little game and that I refuse to be a "prop" to help him score desperate chicks on myspace for one night stands. He claims he did nothing wrong.....yeah well, I warned him of karma. Plus, I can be one angry bitch and I cannot wait to get around other fire fighters and share his name and location and what a jerk he is.
Don't you think those firemen who actually were risking their lives to save the mobile home park would be happy to hear this story?
Inside I am starting to dread going up to the house on Friday. I do not expect to find anything but I just keep wondering what will happen when I see the unit for the first time.
Going to school is actually "normal" and it feels good. I'm trying to throw myself into learning a new subject and I'm struggling.
After school I need to get some school supplies, so I head out to do some shopping. And while I am shopping, I go to grab something and my brain says, "Oh I already got that and it's in the school supply box". Well, the school supply box was in my home in Oakridge which means I don't have those supplies.
While I am out I hear from the fireman again. We have a good talk. I get a few text messages from others as well and it's nice to know that those I am hearing from are those "good friends".
I get back to the apartment and start to work on home work. I am back on instant messaging sites so I am able to communicate with those who I don't have phone contact with. While I am printing out my flash cards to help me study, I get an instant message.
It is from someone that the fireman and I mutually know. And it seems the fireman has told this person that he saw me right before I evacuated and fought the fire on my home. His statement couldn't be further from the truth. He was in Anaheim at Disneyland a Motley Crew concert with his girlfriend. I am pissed beyond words. Mr. Fireman is using my loss to try to get himself some cyber pussy on the side. What the HELL is up with THAT?!??!?! What a jerk! I notify him that I am aware of his little game and that I refuse to be a "prop" to help him score desperate chicks on myspace for one night stands. He claims he did nothing wrong.....yeah well, I warned him of karma. Plus, I can be one angry bitch and I cannot wait to get around other fire fighters and share his name and location and what a jerk he is.
Don't you think those firemen who actually were risking their lives to save the mobile home park would be happy to hear this story?
Inside I am starting to dread going up to the house on Friday. I do not expect to find anything but I just keep wondering what will happen when I see the unit for the first time.
Tuesday, November 18
I head back to school and I am overwhelmed by the support that my classmates are giving me.
They've done a collection around the school and gathered up some supplies for me. I am touched by their outpouring of support. It is a complete surprise.
I am a "I can do it myself" kind of person, I don't want to rely on others. However, now I am learning to say "yes" when asked "can I help?" and learning to accept the help by saying "thank you".
More studying takes up the afternoon and I end up falling asleep while studying.
No crying today and I find myself surprised that my dreams don't include anything about the fire. However, I realize that since I didn't actually see my home burn, maybe that's why I am not having dreams about it.
We hear that on Wednesday, residents can return and start to go through what remains of their homes. I don't go to school on Fridays so we decide that Friday is the day we will return.
Again, I am hearing from friends and I am grateful for the communication. Any messages are nice. I also hear from a fire fighter I once dated who tells me how sad he is that I lost my home.
They've done a collection around the school and gathered up some supplies for me. I am touched by their outpouring of support. It is a complete surprise.
I am a "I can do it myself" kind of person, I don't want to rely on others. However, now I am learning to say "yes" when asked "can I help?" and learning to accept the help by saying "thank you".
More studying takes up the afternoon and I end up falling asleep while studying.
No crying today and I find myself surprised that my dreams don't include anything about the fire. However, I realize that since I didn't actually see my home burn, maybe that's why I am not having dreams about it.
We hear that on Wednesday, residents can return and start to go through what remains of their homes. I don't go to school on Fridays so we decide that Friday is the day we will return.
Again, I am hearing from friends and I am grateful for the communication. Any messages are nice. I also hear from a fire fighter I once dated who tells me how sad he is that I lost my home.
Monday, November 17
I go back to school. I get to see my classmates who I was at Disneyland with. That was nice. In a matter of an hour or so, I've talked to all the administrators and my instructor. Not that I was anticpating problems but I don't run into any so I am thrilled.
I head out to gather things we weren't able to get on our "life essentials" list. What I think will only take an hour ends up taking two. Ugh!
I need to get home to do my homework as I plan to be back in classes on Tuesday.
We get word that no bodies were found in the search and rescue that the residents of the 124 units can return to get basic things from their homes. And that the other residents can ride in a bus and get a look at their units. We opt not to do that. There are plenty of others who want to get inside to see their places asap. We know our unit is gone and we will wait until the crowds die down.
We sit down to our first meal in our apartment at a decent time and all go to bed at a normal time. Life is starting to feel a little normal.
I head out to gather things we weren't able to get on our "life essentials" list. What I think will only take an hour ends up taking two. Ugh!
I need to get home to do my homework as I plan to be back in classes on Tuesday.
We get word that no bodies were found in the search and rescue that the residents of the 124 units can return to get basic things from their homes. And that the other residents can ride in a bus and get a look at their units. We opt not to do that. There are plenty of others who want to get inside to see their places asap. We know our unit is gone and we will wait until the crowds die down.
We sit down to our first meal in our apartment at a decent time and all go to bed at a normal time. Life is starting to feel a little normal.
Sunday, November 16
For some reason, my internal body clock is back and I am wide awake at 7:00am. I lay there and just let all the thoughts process through. During the night, Zoe has eaten, had water and used the litter box so I know she is getting back to normal (the kitty mommy guilt can be lifted - LOL).
My father is the next one up and he comes in and we talk a bit. It's just all so strange. We talk about what the future might hold but it is all speculation and wondering.
Before we left the high school, we were told to come back to get the latest and greatest information.
So we head up to the high school. Most of the faces we had seen on Saturday were replaced by new ones. However, all cleaned up and talking to those who lost their homes was our Information Officer. We walked over to talk to him. He told us about the fire fighting efforts that had taken place in the park and how much the fire fighters had tried to save our homes. He told us of the water pressure problems and how that effected the fire fighting effort.
Donations of clothing had started to trickle in so we managed to find a few pieces of clothing and then we were on our way to get basic supplies.
We headed towards an area that we knew there would be no road closures and the smoke might not be as bad. We drove to Simi Valley. Yeah, we know it was a bit of a drive. We hit Petco, Costco, and Walmart. With the car loaded up, we decided to grab something to eat at Applebee's. The manager heard our story and covered our meal. This was the first of many amazing things that people would do for us.
We get home unload the car and I prepare for my first day back at school. I've got a list of things I need to cover with school.
I find that the crying has stopped unless I spend time thinking about it. I've sent out emails to almost everyone letting them know what's happened. We find that with some we are having to draw boundaries as some think the best thing to do is show up at our front door. We are working to put the kibosh on that as we just don't have the space nor do we want to "entertain".
I am stunned by the support I am receiving from my friends....and those who I believed were friends are showing their true colors - they have no clue how to be friends. I knew sooner or later something would happen and "true colors" would show.
My father is the next one up and he comes in and we talk a bit. It's just all so strange. We talk about what the future might hold but it is all speculation and wondering.
Before we left the high school, we were told to come back to get the latest and greatest information.
So we head up to the high school. Most of the faces we had seen on Saturday were replaced by new ones. However, all cleaned up and talking to those who lost their homes was our Information Officer. We walked over to talk to him. He told us about the fire fighting efforts that had taken place in the park and how much the fire fighters had tried to save our homes. He told us of the water pressure problems and how that effected the fire fighting effort.
Donations of clothing had started to trickle in so we managed to find a few pieces of clothing and then we were on our way to get basic supplies.
We headed towards an area that we knew there would be no road closures and the smoke might not be as bad. We drove to Simi Valley. Yeah, we know it was a bit of a drive. We hit Petco, Costco, and Walmart. With the car loaded up, we decided to grab something to eat at Applebee's. The manager heard our story and covered our meal. This was the first of many amazing things that people would do for us.
We get home unload the car and I prepare for my first day back at school. I've got a list of things I need to cover with school.
I find that the crying has stopped unless I spend time thinking about it. I've sent out emails to almost everyone letting them know what's happened. We find that with some we are having to draw boundaries as some think the best thing to do is show up at our front door. We are working to put the kibosh on that as we just don't have the space nor do we want to "entertain".
I am stunned by the support I am receiving from my friends....and those who I believed were friends are showing their true colors - they have no clue how to be friends. I knew sooner or later something would happen and "true colors" would show.
We Settle into Oakwood
Yes, we see the humor that we left Oakridge and are now in Oakwood. We also know that earlier this year, two boys were playing with matches and the brush behind the Oakwood Apartments burned.First thing to set up is Zoe. We get her litter box set up, her food bowl, water and let her out of her carrier. She makes a beeline for the space under the bed normally this would bother me but I am just happy that she’s out of her carrier and breathing better air.After long showers, we look over what clothes we managed to evacuate with. I didn’t fair too well as I ended up bringing clothing that was in my suitcase from our Las Vegas Trip a week earlier. Long sleeved shirts and sweaters aren’t the best choice when the day time highs are over 80 degrees. I look at what few things I now have. I start to cry again. Yes, I know, me, my parents and the cat all made it out safely. But I am not married, I do not have kids, so my stuff was my life. And now “my stuff” was gone. Just another emotional blow. For at least an hour I keep what “stuff” I did save spread across the bed and the floor. I need to keep looking at it and realize this is what I own at the moment.Then Zoe comes out from under the bed. She hops up on the bed with me and wants me to pet her. I am thrilled. I give her a big hug and show her where her food and water are located. I am exhausted. I’ve been up since 7:00am on Friday, November 14 and there are only a few hours left to November 15 and I need sleep. With Zoe on the bed next to me, I cry myself to sleep.
Saturday, November 15 - Life Changes Forever
Saturday, November 15 – Time to Go: It’s after midnight and I’ve spent about 45 minutes (which went by quicker than I could’ve imagined) packing the car and running through my home grabbing things. During this time, the police have driven by many times making the mandatory evacuation announcement. In addition, the winds have picked up. Some of the strongest winds I have ever felt, too. Finally, there are no longer police cars there are two motorcycle policemen sitting outside my house telling me I HAVE to go now. They tell me where the evacuation center is, however, while I have lived in Sylmar for 8 years I have no clue where the high school is. I ask for an intersection and they look at me as if I asked them to explain quantum physics. I tell them I need to make sure my parents are ready and then all 3 of us will be on our way. The police now position themselves between our homes (clearly to keep tabs on us). Mom and Dad say they are ready. We take one last run through each house and while inside mine, I turn to my mother and say “I’m not ready for this”, and I start to cry. She tells me, “this is just like the last fire, we’ll be back.” We line up our cars and leave our homes, of course, not realizing this will be the last time we see our homes.
Saturday, November 15 – We Reach the Evacuation Center: After pulling over to look up the high school in the Thomas Guide, we arrive at the school. The smoke and wind are overpowering, not just irritating but knock you over strength winds and smoke that feels like it is climbing into your lungs and taking away the oxygen. We sign in (number 36, 37, & 38 into the shelter). There is one sad TV showing coverage and 3 TV cameras with reporters. We find chairs and group. Do we try to find a hotel? How long until the first information about what is going on? Has the fire reached the hills near us? Will the winds calm down at first light so the water dropping planes can come in? Is Zoe doing ok in the car? So many questions and no answers. After about 45 minutes in the shelter, we agree that it would be for the best to not head to a hotel as we will get the best information at the shelter. It is around 3:00am and we are hopeful that when the sun comes up in about 2.5 hours things will improve. Around 4:45am, we get our first update from the Los Angeles City Fire Department. It is just basic information and the information officer realizes that most of his audience is from the Oakridge Mobile Home park. He tells us the next update will be at 6:30am. We manage to find a blanket, spread it on the floor of the high school gym and Mom and I manage to get about 30 minutes of sleep.
Saturday, November 15 – 5:00am: I wake up and all I can think about is Zoe. She is still in the car and the air quality must be horrible for her. I decide that I am going to get in my car and drive away from the fire and hope to get some fresh air in the car. As I drive around I decide I will head west, I think this is a safe direction. I was wrong. I have no clue that I am driving into another fire zone. I have no clue that the fire has jumped the I-5 freeway and is in Mission Hills. I turn around and head south as quick as possible to avoid more smoke and to stay out of the way of traffic of those evacuating Mission Hills. I make it to the edge of North Hollywood and there is visible smoke around me and I sit there for a bit and just zone. I keep telling Zoe that everything will be OK. I notice a strange light in the sky and get worried, but then I realize it is that pre-dawn light. I turn the car back towards Sylmar High School. I am thrilled to see pre-dawn light because I know soon water dropping aircraft will soon be in the air.
Saturday, November 15 – 6:30am: The update hasn’t happened yet. We are getting impatient and feeling helpless. Finally around 7:00am, the update comes. Our information officer just has names of streets where there have been structures damaged that is all he can tell us. The street where our units faced is on the list but we feel confident that it isn’t at our end of the street. We sit back down and discuss what we are going to do. Find a hotel? And what about Zoe in the car? Around 8am, we decide we won’t head to a hotel and that we will put Zoe into the temporary shelter there on-site. I feel like the worst kitty mommy EVER because she will be there with barking dogs and away from me. But the heat outside and being locked in a car are worse than barking dogs. Around 8:45am, our neighbors (who we are not overly fond of) come over with their dirty shoes, walk on our clean blanket on the floor and blurt out “the park is gone, a complete and total loss. Out of a gut instinct reaction, both my father and I “bark” at them and they get the message that their news is not welcome, solicited, and they can move on. We agree that until we hear from the information officer we aren’t going to believe the “gossip”. (NOTE: What we didn’t know at this time is that the fire and police department had to rescue those who didn’t evacuate. And outside our park was CNN. CNN was interviewing those who had to be rescued and those who were rescued were telling CNN about the damage in the park. Those watching CNN were calling residents who had evacuated and telling them that the park was gone.) Our next update is at 10:45am – two more hours of waiting.
Saturday, November 15 – 10:45am: Designated time has passed and no update. Our information officer walks in and starts to write on a chalk board. He explains that part of the park is a complete loss and that he did his best to write down unit numbers of those that still standing. He explains what areas of the park are a complete loss. The area he describes isn’t near where we live in the park. There is a ray of hope and we cling to that until the next update at 2:30pm. At this point, food is free flowing in the shelter the outpouring of support from Sylmar businesses is incredible. We sit, periodically watch the TV and try to keep focused. We are tired, the shelter is more crowded and getting nosier. But at least we have each other.
Saturday, November 15 – 2:30pm: Yet again, no update. Around 3:00pm, the update comes. Our information officer has been to the mobile home park and has a list of 124 structures that have survived. My father had befriended the officer at the end of the last update and drawn a simple map of where my home was located. As the information officer is writing the list of the 124 structures, my father walks over to him and he recognizes my dad and tells him “it doesn’t look good.” The list is posted and our unit numbers are not on the list. This is the news we dreaded both our homes are gone. All I can remember is standing in my house saying “I’m not ready for this.” I start to sob. I am crying so hard that I can’t breath. An hour later and the tears are still flowing. I start to send text messages letting people know. I must admit that I am stunned that there are no responses. After a while the replies start to come along with the calls. 90% of the calls are welcome and about 10% are not welcome. Almost as soon as I realize I am no longer crying, I start to cry again.
Saturday, November 15 – 3:30pm and onward: The full reality is hitting us. Tears continue to flow. I walk to get a Diet Coke (it’s been many many hours since I’ve had caffeine) and I feel my body start to give out. I find my way to next to my parents set my head on a lap and start to sob. A mental health worker from Red Cross comes by to ask if I want to talk. I say “no”, but then I turn to my mother and say, “I was young when my important relatives died. And I haven’t lost you or Dad yet, the loss of my home and what I am feeling must be what loosing a parent feels like.” I cry harder. After some time, I am hungry. After learning so much about how the body functions in school, I realize that my body needs food. I get some food in me and feel a little better. We find a quiet spot in the gym and have a family meeting. Do we stay on at the shelter or do we find a hotel? After making some calls to local hotels and feeling like we are getting ripped off by the hotel rates, we sit there frustrated. The fire has spread north so the hotel options near Magic Mountain are unavailable to us due to road closures. Time Warner has set up internet stations and we start searching in the internet for hotels that will take pets AND are reachable due to the road closures. The results of the search are not good. In the meantime, I go to see Zoe. I want to make sure she’s OK. She looks terrified, is sweating, and has “smoke boogers”. I feel horrible that she has to stay in there as the dogs are barking like crazy. I find out that I could take her to an animal shelter where the dogs and cats are separated there is air conditioning and she’d be more comfortable. I think about it, especially if we are going to stay in the shelter. I go back inside the gym and mom is mentioning the Oakwood Apartments. She is going to call to see if there are furnished units available and how soon we could get into one. A woman overhears me talking about Zoe and she tells me that a Vet who works with Los Angeles County is there and if I want I can meet him and have him look at Zoe. I am thrilled and go to meet the Vet. Whew, I get word that Zoe is doing well. Then Mom tells me that the Oakwood’s has a two bedroom apartment available and that if we want it, it’s ours. We can be in the unit tonight. More phone calls go back and forth and we learn what our next step is in terms of paperwork with the Red Cross. Channel 4 (KNBC) does an interview with us and we learn a newspaper reporter wants to talk to us. Around 6:30pm, I sign paperwork to release Zoe from the temporary shelter and head to the car with her. We are leaving the high school and heading to the Oakwood Apartments near Universal Studios. On the way to the car, the newspaper reporter takes a picture of us. We look like hell, but after the picture is taken I comment that it’s the first picture of us embarking on our new lives. Just as we did to the high school, we line up the 3 cars and head south to the apartments. I am driving in a daze just focusing on getting to the apartment. I want a shower and quiet. The staff at Oakwood processes us as quick as they can and are so incredible supportive and helpful.
Little did we know that a "surprise" had been left for us on this day....information about the "surprise" is forthcoming.
Saturday, November 15 – We Reach the Evacuation Center: After pulling over to look up the high school in the Thomas Guide, we arrive at the school. The smoke and wind are overpowering, not just irritating but knock you over strength winds and smoke that feels like it is climbing into your lungs and taking away the oxygen. We sign in (number 36, 37, & 38 into the shelter). There is one sad TV showing coverage and 3 TV cameras with reporters. We find chairs and group. Do we try to find a hotel? How long until the first information about what is going on? Has the fire reached the hills near us? Will the winds calm down at first light so the water dropping planes can come in? Is Zoe doing ok in the car? So many questions and no answers. After about 45 minutes in the shelter, we agree that it would be for the best to not head to a hotel as we will get the best information at the shelter. It is around 3:00am and we are hopeful that when the sun comes up in about 2.5 hours things will improve. Around 4:45am, we get our first update from the Los Angeles City Fire Department. It is just basic information and the information officer realizes that most of his audience is from the Oakridge Mobile Home park. He tells us the next update will be at 6:30am. We manage to find a blanket, spread it on the floor of the high school gym and Mom and I manage to get about 30 minutes of sleep.
Saturday, November 15 – 5:00am: I wake up and all I can think about is Zoe. She is still in the car and the air quality must be horrible for her. I decide that I am going to get in my car and drive away from the fire and hope to get some fresh air in the car. As I drive around I decide I will head west, I think this is a safe direction. I was wrong. I have no clue that I am driving into another fire zone. I have no clue that the fire has jumped the I-5 freeway and is in Mission Hills. I turn around and head south as quick as possible to avoid more smoke and to stay out of the way of traffic of those evacuating Mission Hills. I make it to the edge of North Hollywood and there is visible smoke around me and I sit there for a bit and just zone. I keep telling Zoe that everything will be OK. I notice a strange light in the sky and get worried, but then I realize it is that pre-dawn light. I turn the car back towards Sylmar High School. I am thrilled to see pre-dawn light because I know soon water dropping aircraft will soon be in the air.
Saturday, November 15 – 6:30am: The update hasn’t happened yet. We are getting impatient and feeling helpless. Finally around 7:00am, the update comes. Our information officer just has names of streets where there have been structures damaged that is all he can tell us. The street where our units faced is on the list but we feel confident that it isn’t at our end of the street. We sit back down and discuss what we are going to do. Find a hotel? And what about Zoe in the car? Around 8am, we decide we won’t head to a hotel and that we will put Zoe into the temporary shelter there on-site. I feel like the worst kitty mommy EVER because she will be there with barking dogs and away from me. But the heat outside and being locked in a car are worse than barking dogs. Around 8:45am, our neighbors (who we are not overly fond of) come over with their dirty shoes, walk on our clean blanket on the floor and blurt out “the park is gone, a complete and total loss. Out of a gut instinct reaction, both my father and I “bark” at them and they get the message that their news is not welcome, solicited, and they can move on. We agree that until we hear from the information officer we aren’t going to believe the “gossip”. (NOTE: What we didn’t know at this time is that the fire and police department had to rescue those who didn’t evacuate. And outside our park was CNN. CNN was interviewing those who had to be rescued and those who were rescued were telling CNN about the damage in the park. Those watching CNN were calling residents who had evacuated and telling them that the park was gone.) Our next update is at 10:45am – two more hours of waiting.
Saturday, November 15 – 10:45am: Designated time has passed and no update. Our information officer walks in and starts to write on a chalk board. He explains that part of the park is a complete loss and that he did his best to write down unit numbers of those that still standing. He explains what areas of the park are a complete loss. The area he describes isn’t near where we live in the park. There is a ray of hope and we cling to that until the next update at 2:30pm. At this point, food is free flowing in the shelter the outpouring of support from Sylmar businesses is incredible. We sit, periodically watch the TV and try to keep focused. We are tired, the shelter is more crowded and getting nosier. But at least we have each other.
Saturday, November 15 – 2:30pm: Yet again, no update. Around 3:00pm, the update comes. Our information officer has been to the mobile home park and has a list of 124 structures that have survived. My father had befriended the officer at the end of the last update and drawn a simple map of where my home was located. As the information officer is writing the list of the 124 structures, my father walks over to him and he recognizes my dad and tells him “it doesn’t look good.” The list is posted and our unit numbers are not on the list. This is the news we dreaded both our homes are gone. All I can remember is standing in my house saying “I’m not ready for this.” I start to sob. I am crying so hard that I can’t breath. An hour later and the tears are still flowing. I start to send text messages letting people know. I must admit that I am stunned that there are no responses. After a while the replies start to come along with the calls. 90% of the calls are welcome and about 10% are not welcome. Almost as soon as I realize I am no longer crying, I start to cry again.
Saturday, November 15 – 3:30pm and onward: The full reality is hitting us. Tears continue to flow. I walk to get a Diet Coke (it’s been many many hours since I’ve had caffeine) and I feel my body start to give out. I find my way to next to my parents set my head on a lap and start to sob. A mental health worker from Red Cross comes by to ask if I want to talk. I say “no”, but then I turn to my mother and say, “I was young when my important relatives died. And I haven’t lost you or Dad yet, the loss of my home and what I am feeling must be what loosing a parent feels like.” I cry harder. After some time, I am hungry. After learning so much about how the body functions in school, I realize that my body needs food. I get some food in me and feel a little better. We find a quiet spot in the gym and have a family meeting. Do we stay on at the shelter or do we find a hotel? After making some calls to local hotels and feeling like we are getting ripped off by the hotel rates, we sit there frustrated. The fire has spread north so the hotel options near Magic Mountain are unavailable to us due to road closures. Time Warner has set up internet stations and we start searching in the internet for hotels that will take pets AND are reachable due to the road closures. The results of the search are not good. In the meantime, I go to see Zoe. I want to make sure she’s OK. She looks terrified, is sweating, and has “smoke boogers”. I feel horrible that she has to stay in there as the dogs are barking like crazy. I find out that I could take her to an animal shelter where the dogs and cats are separated there is air conditioning and she’d be more comfortable. I think about it, especially if we are going to stay in the shelter. I go back inside the gym and mom is mentioning the Oakwood Apartments. She is going to call to see if there are furnished units available and how soon we could get into one. A woman overhears me talking about Zoe and she tells me that a Vet who works with Los Angeles County is there and if I want I can meet him and have him look at Zoe. I am thrilled and go to meet the Vet. Whew, I get word that Zoe is doing well. Then Mom tells me that the Oakwood’s has a two bedroom apartment available and that if we want it, it’s ours. We can be in the unit tonight. More phone calls go back and forth and we learn what our next step is in terms of paperwork with the Red Cross. Channel 4 (KNBC) does an interview with us and we learn a newspaper reporter wants to talk to us. Around 6:30pm, I sign paperwork to release Zoe from the temporary shelter and head to the car with her. We are leaving the high school and heading to the Oakwood Apartments near Universal Studios. On the way to the car, the newspaper reporter takes a picture of us. We look like hell, but after the picture is taken I comment that it’s the first picture of us embarking on our new lives. Just as we did to the high school, we line up the 3 cars and head south to the apartments. I am driving in a daze just focusing on getting to the apartment. I want a shower and quiet. The staff at Oakwood processes us as quick as they can and are so incredible supportive and helpful.
Little did we know that a "surprise" had been left for us on this day....information about the "surprise" is forthcoming.
Friday, November 14 - The Fire Breaks Out
Not 100% sure where to start. There are many that know the full story and others who only know a part of the story. So I will start at the beginning.
Friday, November 14 and I learn of the fire: Starts as a normal (but windy day). I head off to Disneyland with two classmates. We have a blast at Disneyland and due to the weather and the fact it wasn’t a weekend, we are able to do all the attractions we want to do and we are exhausted. Around 10:30pm, we head to the car. We reach the car and I notice many missed calls and a voice mail. All the missed calls are from my mom so I opt to listen to the voicemail. It says, “Hilary it’s Mom call home immediately!” Hmmm, she never leaves messages like that. I call and find out that there is a brush fire and it’s close. (NOTE: about a month earlier we had another fire that was close but not as close as this one.). She asked that I get home as soon as possible. I now know that she was hiding the panic in her voice so that I would drive me and my classmates home safely.
Friday, November 14 – I get home: I drive up to my house and I know it is just a matter of minutes before the mandatory evacuation is going to be called. My drive home from Disneyland allowed me to see the fire. My gut told me this time it would be different than the last fire. I check in with Mom & Dad (NOTE: Mom and Dad live two doors down from me) and as I am walking back to my front door to start packing up my car with belongings, the police are making the call for mandatory evacuation. It’s real, my worst fears are coming true. I wait for the police to pass before opening my door. As I wait, I think to myself “I am NOT ready for this. I am NOT ready to loose my home.” I take a deep breath because on the other side of the door is Zoe (my cat) and if throw open the door in a panic or scare her, she’ll run into one of her many hiding places and it will be a challenge to grab her and put her into her carrier. Zoe is waiting for me and very happy to see “mommy come home”. I talk nice to her and I am able to scoop her in my arms. I place her (not without her fighting me) into her carrier and put her out in the car. Whew, I think that my most important belonging is in the car. I gather essentials for Zoe and then start to grab my stuff. Remember I mentioned the “last fire”, well we had to evacuate for that fire so many of the things I packed for that fire were still scattered around my house. I walk from room to room gathering up items and taking them to the car. I keep repeating to myself over and over again, “I am NOT ready for this.” I see things and opt not to take them because I am positive that this will be just like the last fire, I will return to my home.
Friday, November 14 and I learn of the fire: Starts as a normal (but windy day). I head off to Disneyland with two classmates. We have a blast at Disneyland and due to the weather and the fact it wasn’t a weekend, we are able to do all the attractions we want to do and we are exhausted. Around 10:30pm, we head to the car. We reach the car and I notice many missed calls and a voice mail. All the missed calls are from my mom so I opt to listen to the voicemail. It says, “Hilary it’s Mom call home immediately!” Hmmm, she never leaves messages like that. I call and find out that there is a brush fire and it’s close. (NOTE: about a month earlier we had another fire that was close but not as close as this one.). She asked that I get home as soon as possible. I now know that she was hiding the panic in her voice so that I would drive me and my classmates home safely.
Friday, November 14 – I get home: I drive up to my house and I know it is just a matter of minutes before the mandatory evacuation is going to be called. My drive home from Disneyland allowed me to see the fire. My gut told me this time it would be different than the last fire. I check in with Mom & Dad (NOTE: Mom and Dad live two doors down from me) and as I am walking back to my front door to start packing up my car with belongings, the police are making the call for mandatory evacuation. It’s real, my worst fears are coming true. I wait for the police to pass before opening my door. As I wait, I think to myself “I am NOT ready for this. I am NOT ready to loose my home.” I take a deep breath because on the other side of the door is Zoe (my cat) and if throw open the door in a panic or scare her, she’ll run into one of her many hiding places and it will be a challenge to grab her and put her into her carrier. Zoe is waiting for me and very happy to see “mommy come home”. I talk nice to her and I am able to scoop her in my arms. I place her (not without her fighting me) into her carrier and put her out in the car. Whew, I think that my most important belonging is in the car. I gather essentials for Zoe and then start to grab my stuff. Remember I mentioned the “last fire”, well we had to evacuate for that fire so many of the things I packed for that fire were still scattered around my house. I walk from room to room gathering up items and taking them to the car. I keep repeating to myself over and over again, “I am NOT ready for this.” I see things and opt not to take them because I am positive that this will be just like the last fire, I will return to my home.
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