It's 2010

Just realized the last time I blogged here it was 2009. So much has changed since then.

Internship over.

Moved a few more times.

Got a house to live in.

Cut some more people from my life who weren't really very valuable to my life in the first place.

And now....

I'm stressed.

Confused out my mind.

Sad.

Still living out of boxes.

And well, I'm just all around not to happy these days.

Ranting and Venting To Get Out the Door

I had some extra time this morning and figured maybe I needed to do a little ranting and venting on my blog in the hopes that I won't decide to take the freeway towards Disneyland instead of my externship site.

While I was not thrilled about the distance from my home to the site from the start, I went into it with an open mind. I'd make it work.

Sure I knew that sooner or later my attitude regarding my commute would affect how I felt about the site.

However, what I didn't count on was the RUDENESS of the people.

Now, I can tolerate rude to a point, I mean I'm a Disneyland Annual Passholder. A theme park on a crowded hot day brings out the rude in everyone.

But the people I work with are RUDE!!!! (Yes with all caps)

See, I don't speak the language from the area where they are from. And as a result, they speak in THEIR language 99.7% of the time. I hear English only when they wish to communicate with me.

I want to create my own language so I can do this same rude act back at those who do this. I want them to feel what it's like.

HELLO! This is the United States and here English is the first language. I know you can speak it, so do it. Also if I went to THEIR country bet me I would be treated like dog shit's 2nd retarded cousin if I didn't speak THEIR language.

Hmmm....the ranting and venting didn't help. Now I'm pissed and would love to go to Disneyland for the day.

I HATE my externship site. And I know the freaking red tape politics at my school (the director of my program) won't help me get out of it. Seriously? This school took my money and now I am sooooooooooooo pissed at this whole thing, I am not sure I want to give this school my money to continue my education.

Profanity Warning.....

FUCK! I HATE THIS!

April 2009

Honestly, I had no idea it had been so long since I blogged. I've blogged on myspace a bit but that mostly my venting. Not that I haven't vented and ranted here.

Hopefully, those who decide to leave me comments about "mental health" have decided to move on. Actually I think that's one of the reasons why I stopped blogging.

Since my last post, Privacy is still a luxury. One that I honestly think I may NEVER have again. And I ask myself almost daily if I should give up the idea of that "ideal life" because I am never going to obtain it. I just get the feeling as soon as I attempt to gain some of my independence back the amount of guilt and whining will be unbearable.

I want love and want to marry the man I love....but I have to bring my parents along because they got to suck my independence away?

Right before I started working on this blog, I said that I was thinking of going to the grocery store because I had the munchies for something and I got a freaking guilt trip over it. I got the sigh and whine, like "HOW DARE" I think about going to the grocery store without my mother. Seriously? It's the stupid grocery store, I cannot go and buy chocolate chip cookies or Twinkies by myself?

And before anyone passes judgement on me, chances are if you're reading this, you do not have a clingy parent in the next room who sees EVERYTHING you do each day and every moment.

OK....

So to update things, I have finished the classroom portion of school. Today I just got word where I will be doing my externship (aka internship) to gain "real world" time required before taking my exams. If all goes well on my externship, it looks like I will graduate with honors. I'm honestly shocked at myself. I didn't go into this endevour trying to be an honor student, it just happened.

We are still living in West Los Angeles. I love it and really want to continue to live in this area.

As for what remains after the fire, the debris removal started about 6 weeks ago and appears to be almost complete complex wide. The removal is what remained of my home and its contents after the fire. It's easy to think that there would be nothing remaining but there was. And after you throw in at least 3 good rain storms and the mud that came down the hill and into my yard...there was stuff to remove. I honestly wish I could get up and look at the site after the removal but they won't let us in there.

This week marked the 5th month anniversary since the fire. I think the 6th month mark will be kinda tough. I still miss "things" and think of what burned often. I do feel like a part of me died in the fire. Maybe that will change over time. But I lived in that house for over 8 years and I am amazed that in 5 months, I am forgetting what things looked like. Things I saw every single day, I struggle to remember them. Maybe I am not supposed to remember them. Maybe it's my brain doing what it needs to do to keep me from loosing it. I do miss the quiet, the wildlife that would wander through the yards, my roses, the privacy, being able to see the stars, knowing all the side streets so I could avoid traffic if I needed to do something around 5pm, and the safety. Not that I don't feel safe and secure now, it's hard to explain.

Wow, when I started this I thought I didn't have much to write, guess I did. And I have to stop now because I have been battling a cold and I've got a lingering cough that has worn me out. I will write more soon.

I will be adding this blog to my Facebook page. For any reader on Facebook who reads my earlier posts, my emotions take full range during my blogging and I will say I am not the same person when I started.

Privacy - A Luxury

I cannot believe what a lack of privacy I get. It was supposed to be better after we moved to a larger space. But it seems to have gotten worse. I HATE this.

And stupid me put my computer screen so my back is to the door to my room but my screen is 100% visible. So now I have to research and find one of those privacy things to see if they can give my computer screen some privacy.

However, because I have researched those things I can tell you, they don't cover the straight behind you thing it only works to the side.

So this means I have to start closing my door and dealing with the pouty look my mother gives because I close the door.

Is there light at the end of this?????

Computer Desk - Check

I spent the day assembling my new computer desk. Such a joy.

I was mostly thrilled that I didn't end up with some sort of cut, nick, or bruise from it.

It has an official home in my room and everything.

I do find it odd that this is a sign of life getting back to normal. So very strange.

I also find myself so very sad. I think someone I care for very deeply is slipping out of my life. And it hurts to loose this person. A part of me wants to say, "Don't go, I will do anything just don't go." But I am afraid that the "do anything" means I will give up a part of me. And me being me is what makes me interesting.

I can't believe after two days of studying I still feel like I am so NOT getting it. But let's hope it's floating around in my brain somewhere.

I've got a monster "things to do" list for tomorrow and I hope I can make a dent in it. I will mean an early start to the day but that's fine. It's a holiday so I might be able to get many things done.

I owe everyone an email and please know that just because I don't send you a message, doesn't mean I am not thinking of you. Each one of you cross my mind every single day. Because I am so very grateful and thankful for all of you.

OK, well, time to catch up on some more TiVo shows.

What's New (Post Move)

In a crazy 2.5 days, I moved. There was chaos but the end result was soooooooo worth it.

I bought a new bed around Christmas but couldn't use it until we got more settled. I am looking forward to my 4th night in my new bed.

Zoe is not adjusting well to the new place. I think she's pissed because it was an ordeal to get her out from under furniture when we left the old place. She won't let me sleep more than 3 hours without pulling some sort of middle of the night antics. I know she will settle in. But until then, I cannot function on 5 hours of sleep.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed by school and hate the fact that I have to take time away from my studies to keep track of my parents. I find that even leaving reminder notes isn't working. Which, of course, has me freaked out that I am busting my ass to get new career skills and maybe actually get a life and I'm going to have to become a caretaker.

I hate the fact that I don't have someone special in my life and that the prospects of that happening well, I think I might actually get killed by a terrorist instead of having that someone special to wake up next to every single day. And I've got to wonder if the BAD choices I've made in my past are some sort of punishment.

(NOTE: To Fuckwit, just in case your stupid pathetic ass is reading this, don't give me advice. IT'S MY FUCKING BLOG!!!!)

Anyhow, I had incredible success with setting up wireless networks, hooking up computers, hooking up TiVo's, getting Vonage back up & running, and installing new printers. Seriously, I am thrilled that I was able to do that without having to pull my hair out.

Well, I need to get back to homework and eat something so time to bring this blog to a close.

Pre-Moving Day

I am finally moving OUT of the "The Valley" and will be moving out of our apartment near Universal Studios.

I am thrilled to be leaving the "temporary" apartment. I am sick of the ants invading my bathroom, the bad dog owners who let their dogs bark at all hours, the crummy unassigned parking, the video game junkies who bring over really ugly noisy women in an attempt to get laid, the tranny who likes to "model" in the hall outside our front door, the shared laundry room, the child who runs up and down the hall, and the shared bedroom wall with my parents.

I will be sad to leave the beautiful view of city lights and pine trees outside my bedroom window, the occasional coyote howl (reminds me of my house pre-fire), the close commute to school, and places that I am very familiar with.

For the last two years or so, I have wanted to move "over the hill" (Hollywood Hills) from "The Valley". I always thought I'd be a Valley Girl but turns out I am not too fond of the climate (a.k.a. heat).

I am on a new adventure and I couldn't be more thrilled. I will even be a little closer to Disneyland. I am looking forward to finding new favorite restaurants, the new place is situated between 3 grocery stores, and new shopping to explore.

I will have a commute to and from school however, the joy is I will be driving opposite the commute direction on the 405.

Unlike previous moves, this move is actually pretty easy. Why? Because I don't have that much stuff anymore. I laugh when I type that. I will be able to load ALL my "stuff" into my car and drive from old place to new place and be done. That's freaking amazing for me.

I am a little nervous for Zoe. She has seen the boxes and my suitcase so she knows something is up. I have to wonder if she is secretly hoping that we are going to back to "her house". The house with her toys, her furniture, the window she liked to sunbathe in, etc. She has been an incredible trooper through ALL of this. For the Merick Fire she evacuated to the Residence Inn and seemed to settle in to enjoy it right before we left and the first night after we lost the house, she cuddled right up to me on the bed and we snoozed away. The trip in the car will be tough but I know all will go well.

I will try to take some pictures of the moving experience and an informational email to important people is forthcoming.

Yet another new adventure....I hope I can sleep tonight.