A Day of Studying....

First off....KUDOS to those of you who stepped up to my challenge. Major snaps, points, warm fuzzies, etc. for you.

It has been a long week and next week looks to be even crazier as I will be taking a day class and a night class for two days. Ugh!

Mom and I finally got Dad off his "I'm going to be a real estate agent and find us a home" kick. Well, at least until the thought crosses his mind again. He can only be distracted so often and for so long.

The living arrangement is still stressful. But I'm learning to cope and I'm just happy that I've got my own computer. Seriously, it is the ONE place I have privacy.

This morning my cell rang with a call related to being a victim of the fire. I finished the call and I hadn't been off the phone 30 seconds before both parents were in my doorway asking who was on the phone. ARGH!!!!!

I politely and forcefully said, it was none of their business but then I got pouting. Oh joy!

I am going out tonight and I've already been hit twice with "what time are you leaving to go out?" and "what time do you think you'll be home?"

Rather than answering I've replied with "why is there something you need/want me to do before I leave?" and "do you need me to stay away until a certain time?"

Uhhhh....yeah.....I think I shut down the question machine. And I am sure there will be, yet again, another discussion about boundaries before the weekend is done.

In the meantime, I am studying. I hate the fact that I am struggling so much and that it feels like I am learning nothing. But I am pulling down a high B average learning nothing so go figure.

Well, back to reviewing for my test on Monday. At least it is Friday which means I might actually get a decent grade come Monday.

Still deciding if I want to share photos.

A difficult evening.....

I hate this.....

I am having a really difficult evening.....

and I am alone

And those who I thought were some of the closest people in my life have all but gone silent.

Do you know how much that hurts?

NO!

I am beginning to wonder.....is it that everyone is so wrapped in being the center of the universe that the thought of asking someone "how are you?" has slipped your mind?

I am so terrified to actually reach out to these people.

Seriously, I thought you and I were friends.....

Clearly I was the stupid the one.....maybe I was just a speed bump to make YOUR life better.

And what sucks is that I have a test tomorrow....and a very long night ahead of me.

Thank you for the confirmation that I am nothing and teaching me where my place is in the world. But you know what I will play YOUR game...I AM THE CENTER OF MY UNIVERSE AND IF YOU HAVE A FOR CRAP DAY - DON'T EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU FEEL BETTER! Thanks for teaching me the ways of the world with you in it.

San Fernando Sun Article

This is a link to an article that was written about me and my parents. The photo included was taken just as we left the Red Cross Shelter to head to our apartment.

http://www.sanfernandosun.com/sanfernsun/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2974&Itemid=0

Sunday, December 7 - Shaping up to be yet another for crap day

Great....it seems my father (the most directionally challenged person in our family) has taken on the project of finding us a new house.

Yep, US....seems I will now forever be stuck living with them?!?!?!

FUCK!!!!

I did not know this was the plan and when DID it become the plan. I don't recall discussing it.

So it seems I am not officially get to dump the thoughts of continuing my education (something I REALLY wanted to do) because the sooner I get out and get a job the sooner I can have income and qualify for my own mortgage so I do NOT have to live with them.

This fucking sucks!

If I find the little fucker who started the fire I want to kill him.

Contact with the Outside World

OK, readers.....

This is a challenge for you.

My house burned down.

In addition, I am dealing with school and being over 40 and back in school.

I am living with my parents and have about 0.000001% of privacy.

I don't have a ton of free minutes on my cell phone plan.

I DO, however, finally have a computer in my room which means I have privacy within my computer screen.

My challenge to you readers....WRITE ME!!!! You want to know how I am outside of the blog then write me a freaking message and open the lines of communication.

I want to know about YOU as well. I could seriously use the distraction once in awhile. NO judgements on my side about your life.

Homework keeps me pretty well filled up and if I'm not doing that I have to be working on my home inventory for the insurance company (they won't pay off my mortgage without it - Ugh!)

Some of you get kudos and golf claps for already sending me emails. But I KNOW for a fact there are some of you out there reading this and not stepping up.

So...step up and talk to me.

I am not going to share your secrets on my blog. Cause, well my blog is about ME not you. Duh!

I want to know about you....some of you I haven't heard from in a long time and YOU reached out to me after the fire (thank you) so tell me what's been going on.

Some of you I do hear from once in a while...well time to add a little something to the emails.

Let's see who actually steps up to the challenge. You do not need to worry that you are going to say something "wrong" to me. Not gonna happen...

But I do feel like people I thought were "friends" really aren't friends....change my mind.

NOTE: Those of you who I am hearing from...just add a little more the emails, it will totally make my day.

December 2 - NOT a good day

I am trying to figure out my homework and I am feeling overwhelmed.

In addition, this Saturday is the last day I will be able to visit the remains of my home. I have to decide if I want to go for one last look.

Top that off with the fact that I've got to decide if I want to go alone or have my parents in tow.

Before the fire, I was already feeling like I wanted to add space between me and my parents but now I am living with them. I have no privacy, no alone time, and now tonight before I go to bed I have to decide if I want them at my side this weekend. When the truth is I DO NOT KNOW.

I am so overwhelmed with trying to understand my school work that the LAST thing on my mind is this but I don't have the luxury of saying, "Let me see how I feel."

I mean, I might need the support but right now I don't know. Right now my focus is trying to understand things that make no sense to me.

And trying to figure out what a "pain" my father might be is just something I do not want to think about.

I am lost.

Maybe starting this blog is what ultimately brought an end to people contacting me. I have no clue. I went from hearing from people to fucking crickets there is so much silence.

I guess that is what happens. In the heat of it, it is a major event. Then everyone else goes on with their lives and forgets about it. Yet, I am still living in the middle of it.....and wondering if I even HAVE friends or the ones I thought I had are even worth keeping.

Right now I want to cry...but because I am not alone I have to be ready for 20 questions about "what's wrong".

And the cherry to all this is I think I've lost one of my best friends....I've had silence for over a week where there used to be close to daily contact. I miss this person and when I say "I miss you" I am answered by silence. That hurts.

Oh well, time to suck it up and pretend that my allergies are acting up and that is why it looks like I've been crying (when in reality I am crying) and attempt to figure out silver halide crystals, photons and what happens when they interact.

Death of my iPod

A very sad night.

After searching and looking, my iPod has not turned up. Which means, it was lost in the fire.

I was POSITIVE that I had it and it was tucked away someplace.

But no such luck.

Earlier this evening, I just wanted to lie down and loose myself in my favorite songs. The songs that are the soundtrack to my life.

And like so many times in the last two weeks, I realize that I can't just go grab something I owned and use it.

It is situations just like this that frustrate me and ultimately make me sad.

I needed to hear those songs to transport my brain to different thoughts and it's not there.

I hadn't planned to cry myself to sleep tonight but I am frustrated and feel stupid that I didn't grab it. It must've been lying on the table or in the charger.