What's New....

Christmas came and went and....it sucked! I feel like I've been robbed of a fun holiday. I got NO presents. I did enjoy the few messages of "Merry Christmas" I got. I couldn't have felt more alone and it was (is) horrible. I've cried myself to sleep every night since the 23rd. I want someone special to share holidays with (besides my parents).

Yes, I've got extended family, but honestly, they are jerks. My aunt called and threw a hissy fit because we didn't feel like getting in the car and driving 2 hours to sit at her house for Christmas. Don't we have a choice NOT to do that.

You have no clue how many phone calls we get a day related to the fire. Insurance, FEMA, local government, the mobile home park, charities, etc. It was nice knowing we'd have one day where no phone calls like that would come. We wanted to enjoy that. We've also been going at a constant pace working to use the pre-Christmas sales to our advantage. So we were exhausted and yet the "guilt train" comes on because we don't feel like getting in a car and driving to sit at someone else's house. Seriously? How come we don't get to have a day of peace and quiet?

I hope no one ever has to go through the task of replacing things. You go along and think, "OK, it's done I've got the basics". Then there is a blast of cold air and you realize that you need another blanket or a small heater to help you stay warm. You also realize you don't have a heavy winter coat. This stuff takes time to deal with.

OK, so I ranted again. But reminder this is MY blog and what I do here is MY stuff, OK?

I am also struggling with the fact that financially things are getting strained. We thought we'd have actual help from the people in our lives who said "we are putting something together for you" or "let me know if I can send you gift cards or something". NOTHING ever showed up and that sucks because we actually thought something was coming. I am reminded of wedding gifts, baby gifts, birthday presents, etc. I've given....oh well. It's a wake up call that's for sure.

I am on Christmas break from school but I've got a crap load of work to do. I haven't even started researching my term paper and I'm in the middle of creating a study sheet for one subject. I will have one subject left. I had also hoped I wouldn't get out of the rhythm of going to school and studying and I am lost because of all the stuff I had to do in the last week.

I am working on organizing photographs. Now that time has passed I do plan to share the photos I have. Right now I am trying to figure out where to host them so everyone can see. I am almost done uploading them on to MySpace but not everyone is on MySpace. I've got a Facebook account but for some reason no one I know is listed on that.

It appears that we will relocate in the next 30-60 days to another apartment. Right now everything is temporary until we get all settlements handled with insurance and FEMA. In the meantime, the housing market is showing no signs of improvement so we aren't in any big rush.

I kinda wish all those who've been fantastic friends lived nearby because I'd love to have a night out on the town with all of you. Hell, I'd do anything right now to avoid reading about transformers and rectifiers.

I guess what it all comes down to is each day has its struggles. Some days, the struggles are minor and other days they are major. But deep down I don't feel like I've got security. A person's home is their sanctuary and right now I don't have that and won't have it in the near future. It's frustrating.

And when I feel like things are lopsided and I am completely alone, it is even harder to see that future. I put out a challenge before and I think only one person stepped up. And this is why I find myself wondering about the quality of people I have allowed into my life, ya know.

Busy, Overdue Blogs...Homework...Christmas....

Yes, I know I am overdue on a blog where I am not venting.

Seriously, it's on my "list".

I've also got names on that "list". Names of people I owe emails to.

YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN!

That "every day life" thing can get overwhelming.

Plus when you add in the struggles of having to buy things new and not 100% sure about the financial end of it...well, it's frustrating.

Anyhow, first I got my computer back and right now my FAVORTE little buddy EVER (aka TiVo) is sitting next to me and I am trying to get him up and running. So time to tend to my favorite buddy.

Blogs and emails are forthcoming...I am on Christmas break from school so I am hoping to have some free time.

One Month Later....

Technically as I write this it is the 16th of December which means it has been one month and a day since I lost my home.

I marked the one-month anniversary by pulling my grade back up to an A. I dropped to a B in the days/weeks after the fire.

And about 45 minutes ago......my tooth broke.

Ugh!

At least it isn't cold/hot sensitive, isn't throbbing in pain, but it is still a bit of a pain. I mean like I really want to attempt to find a dentist who can see me on an emergency at some point tomorrow. Oh joy!

Yes, I know I shouldn't have to FIND a dentist. But earlier this year I changed plans and never got a new dentist. So, yeah, you get the idea (and if you don't - oh well)

There has been lots of stuff going on in the "life after the fire" file. A blog is forthcoming as I've got a pretty crazy week ahead of me.

Those of you who have stepped up and actually communicated with me...there is no need for you to read on....

This is an open statement to those who call themselves "friends". You don't know how to be a friend. It's been a fucking month and outside of the "oh my god, I am so sorry" message I have heard absolutely NOTHING from you. And yet, I sent you emails as well as the link to this blog. So if you've been a blog luker and think you're covered. You aren't.

I do not want people like you in my life. I've given you chances and nothing. I am NOT doing all the work to maintain what is a pretty crappy friendship (on my side). You aren't fucking worth it.

As The Donald Would Say..."You're Fired!"

As the Survivors Say...."I'm sorry you've been voted off the island"

And as I would say...."BUH BYE!!!"

Seriously, I no longer want to hear from you. I am done putting in the effort when all you do is take and when I actually NEEDED your friendship you couldn't step up. How fucking pathetic!

It should be noted that those who have been in communication with me have been fantastic and know what "friendship" means.

I am excited that you are no longer in my life...seriously. And if you think you can use the "I didn't know what to say" excuse...it's too late.

SHITTY TOXIC SO CALLED FRIENDS BE GONE!!!!! I AM WAAAAAAAAAY TOO GOOD TO BE IN YOUR LIFE!

A Day of Studying....

First off....KUDOS to those of you who stepped up to my challenge. Major snaps, points, warm fuzzies, etc. for you.

It has been a long week and next week looks to be even crazier as I will be taking a day class and a night class for two days. Ugh!

Mom and I finally got Dad off his "I'm going to be a real estate agent and find us a home" kick. Well, at least until the thought crosses his mind again. He can only be distracted so often and for so long.

The living arrangement is still stressful. But I'm learning to cope and I'm just happy that I've got my own computer. Seriously, it is the ONE place I have privacy.

This morning my cell rang with a call related to being a victim of the fire. I finished the call and I hadn't been off the phone 30 seconds before both parents were in my doorway asking who was on the phone. ARGH!!!!!

I politely and forcefully said, it was none of their business but then I got pouting. Oh joy!

I am going out tonight and I've already been hit twice with "what time are you leaving to go out?" and "what time do you think you'll be home?"

Rather than answering I've replied with "why is there something you need/want me to do before I leave?" and "do you need me to stay away until a certain time?"

Uhhhh....yeah.....I think I shut down the question machine. And I am sure there will be, yet again, another discussion about boundaries before the weekend is done.

In the meantime, I am studying. I hate the fact that I am struggling so much and that it feels like I am learning nothing. But I am pulling down a high B average learning nothing so go figure.

Well, back to reviewing for my test on Monday. At least it is Friday which means I might actually get a decent grade come Monday.

Still deciding if I want to share photos.

A difficult evening.....

I hate this.....

I am having a really difficult evening.....

and I am alone

And those who I thought were some of the closest people in my life have all but gone silent.

Do you know how much that hurts?

NO!

I am beginning to wonder.....is it that everyone is so wrapped in being the center of the universe that the thought of asking someone "how are you?" has slipped your mind?

I am so terrified to actually reach out to these people.

Seriously, I thought you and I were friends.....

Clearly I was the stupid the one.....maybe I was just a speed bump to make YOUR life better.

And what sucks is that I have a test tomorrow....and a very long night ahead of me.

Thank you for the confirmation that I am nothing and teaching me where my place is in the world. But you know what I will play YOUR game...I AM THE CENTER OF MY UNIVERSE AND IF YOU HAVE A FOR CRAP DAY - DON'T EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU FEEL BETTER! Thanks for teaching me the ways of the world with you in it.

San Fernando Sun Article

This is a link to an article that was written about me and my parents. The photo included was taken just as we left the Red Cross Shelter to head to our apartment.

http://www.sanfernandosun.com/sanfernsun/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2974&Itemid=0

Sunday, December 7 - Shaping up to be yet another for crap day

Great....it seems my father (the most directionally challenged person in our family) has taken on the project of finding us a new house.

Yep, US....seems I will now forever be stuck living with them?!?!?!

FUCK!!!!

I did not know this was the plan and when DID it become the plan. I don't recall discussing it.

So it seems I am not officially get to dump the thoughts of continuing my education (something I REALLY wanted to do) because the sooner I get out and get a job the sooner I can have income and qualify for my own mortgage so I do NOT have to live with them.

This fucking sucks!

If I find the little fucker who started the fire I want to kill him.